Afternoon Humor!

[SuperScout]

After forty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him from now on. He went to the shop, which was owned by the pastor of their Baptist church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day so she performed the task. Grace shaved him, sprayed him with lilac water and said, "That will be $20." The man thought it a bit high, but paid the bill and went to work.

The next morning he looked in the mirror and his face was just as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop the day before. "Not bad," he thought. "At least I don't need to get a shave every day." The next morning the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, still smooth. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barbershop.

"I thought $20 was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."

"Of course they haven't," she replied. "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."

[darrels joy]

Missing Bill Clinton???????
It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is absolutely hilarious.

Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he
misses Bill Clinton. "Yep,that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the
closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number

1- He played the sax.
2- He smoked weed.
3-He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a
check
from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves
this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, I
don't
know, I never had one.
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so
full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest
leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth
as
I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I
think you need to know.
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky
Panky between Bushes!

[Jerry D]

some good ones there Brice and Joy

[SuperScout]

There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid. Because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)


"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[catman]

Brice...did Bob tell you that one at conseling yesterday?

Trav

[SuperScout]

Trav,
Not to be the bearer of bad news, but Bob embarrassed himself so terribly yesterday that I have written it off my calendar. Completely disregarding the others in the group, he continued to emit such noxious sounds from a variety of orifices that there was a stampede to the exit, and I survived only by pushing this little old lady aside at the last moment, and getting to the door before she did. He should really be ashamed of himself. When the firemen finally showed up, they claimed he was still sitting in the middle of the room, playing thumb switch, and drooling incessantly.

[Keith_Hixson]

Yep, That Barber was Baptist with Reformed Calvinist Theology.

If it had been an Armenian Theologian he'd had to get shaved at least twice a day but it would only cost him a buck.

Armenians and their cheap Grace.

Keith

P.S. I know only the theologically trained will get that one.
Where did you get all those "preacher jokes." Old ones
that us theologically enlightened have heard many times.

[catman]

Brice...bless you!

Trav

[b3196]

Brice
That green fog that surrounded my body during therapy was the remanents of the Raw oysters and vietnamese hot sauce I ate last April.....Everything is OK now that I purged my lower intestine
Bob K

[darrels joy]

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.

New Rule #4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #6: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time Grandpa figures out how to open it, his a$s will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #7: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$shole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet;" ooh, you're a huge a$shole.

New Rule #8: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule #9: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$s. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #10: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #11: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #12: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule #13: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #14: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule #15: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.