Afternoon Humor!

[b3196]

Keith
I was talking about me..... In reference to being a smart ass
Bob K

[SuperScout]

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"
to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

[Keith_Hixson]

Subject: Fw: Sanity Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be
institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the
patient to empty the bathtub."

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the
teacup."

























"No," answered the Director. "A normal person
would pull the plug."


(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on
this test.)

A Sanity Test from the therapist!
Keith

[Keith_Hixson]

A must site for all you warped folks.

Turn up your volume and have a lighthearted moment. Click on the link below.



www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

Keith

[goodnessgracie]

Keith:

Loved the cartoon. Too funny. Here's one you'll enjoy:

Mendel the Tailor

There was a tailor named Mendel and he was worried about his business. Mendel was down to his last $50 and was torn between buying a sign and getting food for his family. Mendel decided to pray.

"Dear God," he said, "I don't know what to do. If I buy a sign it may bring in business, but I need to buy groceries for my family...and if the sign doesn't bring in sales, we will starve."

God replied, "Mendel, buy the sign. Don't worry, your family won't starve."

So, Mendel bought the sign and business took off. The tailor fed his family and all was well. However, as time passed it became evident that Mendel couldn't keep up with orders all by himself. He contemplated hiring on a helper, but wondered if he could afford it. So, he asked God if getting help would be a prudent move.

"Go ahead," God tells Mendel, "hire some help, you'll do okay."And so Mendel did. And business took off beyond his wildest dreams. After a time, the tailor decided to move to a larger site that would accommodate the growing demands of his business. As he surveyed certain locations, he found a perfect storefront, but the rental price was really steep.

"God," Mendel again prayed, "I found the perfect place to relocate my business. But the cost of the lease worries me. I don't want to get in over my head."

"Go ahead and a get a lease on the store, Mendel," said God. "Trust me, you'll be okay--I haven't steered you wrong yet, have I?"

So Mendel signed a lease on the 5th Avenue store and profits from his business went through the roof. Out of heartfelt gratitude, Mendel proposed to the Almighty that he dedicate the store to Him.

"How do you like the name "Yaweh and Mendel," the tailor asked.

"Nah," God said. "Let's go with 'Lord and Taylor.'"

[Keith_Hixson]

You had to work at that one.

Keith

[SuperScout]

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could t he patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[Keith_Hixson]

If you are a women in this life you might want to be reincarnated as a mother bear.
As a bear you get to hibernate for four to six months every year.
That means sleeping for four to six months. Most mothers could handle that. Before you hibernate you are suppose to eat yourself stupid. Wouldn't that be great no dieting and wanting to get fat. Female bears birth their cubs when they are sleeping, and they weigh less than a pound. Most women could handle that. They grow and get bigger while you sleep. No diapers to change, no getting up in the middle of the night to feed them. Most women could handle that. When you do wake up you find cute cuddly cubs which are almost self-sufficient. Most mothers could deal with that. Everyone knows that no one crosses a mother bear. You swat anything that bothers your cubs, and when those little monsters get out of hand you swat them also. Most mothers could handle that. If you are a bear your mate expects you to wake up growling. And, he expects you to be fat and hairy. And for some reason he finds that attractive, most women could handle that. So, in your next life you mothers just might want to be a mother bear.


Keith

P.S. of course I don't believe in reincarnation but it sure is fun speculating.

[goodnessgracie]

Keith:

Indeed!!!

Love & Kisses,
Grizzly Gracie

[goodnessgracie]

THE POTATO STORY
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato
had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married,
and had a little sweet potato,
which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time,
they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked,
so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for
herself like 'Hot Potato,'
and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry,
no Spud would get her into
the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand
she wouldn't stay home
and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise
so as not to be skinny
like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe,
Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys
from Ireland.
And the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries.
And when she went out west,
to watch out for the Indians
so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on
the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class
Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who
advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.
(that's Potato University)
so that when she graduated
she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her,
one-day Yam came home and announced
she was going to marry
Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't
possibly marry Tom Brokaw
because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
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OK! Here it is!
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A COMMON TATER