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Old 01-19-2021, 05:14 AM
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Talking Column: Donald Trump’s Inauguration Day letter to Joe Biden: An exclusive (very real)

Column: Donald Trump’s Inauguration Day letter to Joe Biden: An exclusive (very real) draft
By: Rex Huppke - Chicago Tribune News - 01-19-21
Re: https://www.chicagotribune.com/colum...5ea-story.html

As outgoing President Donald Trump refuses to attend President-elect Joe Biden’s inauguration this week, becoming the first (awesome) president in 100 years to skip the event, many have wondered if he will continue the tradition of leaving a note in the Oval Office for his successor.

Well, I have great news: Trump will (maybe) leave a note. Through my many infallible and entirely imagined sources, I have obtained an OFFICIAL AND DEFINITELY NOT MADE UP draft of Trump’s Inauguration Day letter to Biden.

The letter continues a tradition started Jan. 20, 1993, when outgoing President George H.W. Bush left a graceful note to incoming President Bill Clinton. It read, in part: “You will be our President when you read this note. I wish you well. I wish your family well.”

Trump’s letter appears to have been a bit rushed, as he has been busy lately inciting a domestic terrorist attack on the U.S. Capitol, not reaching out to Biden or doing anything to help the incoming administration and meeting with a deeply unhinged guy who runs a pillow company and thinks Trump will remain president.

Trump’s wife, outgoing first lady Melania Trump, has also been busy not communicating with the incoming first lady, Dr. Jill Biden, or planning a White House tour for her, breaking a tradition that has surrounded the peaceful transfer of power since at least the 1950s.

This is all extremely classy and in keeping with Donald Trump’s amazing presidency and his bedrock belief in “aMErica First!”

Without further delay, here is the (definitely very real) draft of President Trump’s letter to that other guy, Joe Whatshisname:

Here's the Draft: (see below)

Dear LOSER!!

Welcome to the White House, you sleepy dope. I am leaving not because you beat me but because I choose to stop being president because I have already been THE BEST president in American history. Many have said that. I hear it all the time, people say, “Sir, there has never been a president like you.”

And I know they’re right. I’ve accomplished more than any president in history, and I remain incredibly popular and everyone loves me, especially my late father. And also Lindsey Graham. Just ask him, he tells me that all the time. He’s a total loser, but he knows a good president when he sees one. By the way, I left a file about him in the desk here. It contains … some things, if you know what I mean. Just wave it around if you ever need to get him to do something for you. He’s like a trained dog.

Anyway, back to all the things I’ve done that you will never match, and it won’t even be close.

I built the big, beautiful wall to keep out the bad hombres. Nobody called them bad hombres before I did. I came up with that, and people love it. It was so smart. Some slobs said it was racist, but they’re racist. I’m the least racist person I’ve ever met. By far.

But yes, I built the wall. Some will say there are still hundreds of miles of open border, but I haven’t seen them so they doesn’t exist. FAKE NEWS!

We have our great Trump wall, and do you know who’s paying for that wall? Do you? Because actually, I don’t. I kept sending the contractor bills in an envelope clearly marked “MEXICO!” but it just kept getting returned. Good luck with that.

Speaking of bills, I’m gonna need you to pay Rudy Giuliani for me. He’s a great American patriot and represented me in all this RIGGED ELECTION stuff. He did a terrible job, frankly. I told him to find me fraud and he didn’t find a thing, even though I know it’s out there because that guy from the pillow company told me it is.

Anyway, pay Rudy. The bill is in the desk by that file of stuff on Lindsey.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I accomplished so much. We have our great, great health care plan, which I’ll be releasing in two weeks. It will be better than that disastrous Obamacare you idiots came up with. So that’s coming up soon, since I can still technically be president if I want to, since I won, by a lot, and you lost. I beat you in a landslide, you know that’s true.

Some losers in the media keep saying I should just say you won. They say crazy stuff, like that I’m “fomenting violence.” What does “fomenting” even mean? I gotta ask Jared.

Speaking of Jared, can you give him a job? That would be a good way to unify the country, and frankly, I can’t stand the kid. Creepy looking. I just had him around to keep Ivanka happy. Isn’t she beautiful? Not sure what she sees in that skinny weirdo, but whatever.

Now look, I know you’re going to screw up everything I’ve done, and I want you to know this: I don’t care. I just want to get down to Mar-a-Lago and keep bilking money from these rubes I sold hats to. So how about you give me a big pardon? Not that I’ve done anything wrong, but just in case. You give me a pardon, I’ll give you nothing and we’ll call it even, deal?

I had Stephen Miller draw up the pardon papers. They’re in that same drawer with the wall bills and the Lindsey dirt … sorry, I mean “information.”

Oh, speaking of Miller, there might be bags of human hair stashed in a few places. We tried to find them all, but he’s pretty sneaky.

Good luck, dummy.

NOT!

— STILL President Donald J. Trump

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com

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Personal note: It almost sounds like Trump - wouldn't it be something for the National Arcives for future posterity to read.

Boats
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O Almighty Lord God, who neither slumberest nor sleepest; Protect and assist, we beseech thee, all those who at home or abroad, by land, by sea, or in the air, are serving this country, that they, being armed with thy defence, may be preserved evermore in all perils; and being filled with wisdom and girded with strength, may do their duty to thy honour and glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

"IN GOD WE TRUST"
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