Just fer grins

[thedrifter]

Mozart

A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, "Absolutely brilliant lovely oh, a fine fellow a genius, Mozart was."

The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No.5 bus going to South Padre Island."

There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, "We're leaving right now."

In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, "You?re really mad about something aren't you?"

"How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!"

[wrbones]

Two Iranians met in California. One started to greet the other in the language of their native country.

The other Iranian waved him away
contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Come to think of it...maybe that wasn't so funny....

[wrbones]

> >
> >
> > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > > > > At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year
old.
> > > > > > >Since
> > > > > > >her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their
> > > wedding
> > > > > she
> > > > > > >and
> > > > > > >Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned
> > > that
> > > > > her
> > > > > > >>new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend
the
> > > entire
> > > > > > >night
> > > > > > >>together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares
> > herself
> > > > for
> > > > > > >bed
> > > > > > >>and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock
> > > comes,
> > > > the
> > > > > > >door
> > > > > > >>opens, and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready
for
> > > > action.
> > > > > > >They
> > > > > > >>unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his
bride,
> > and
> > > > she
> > > > > > >prepares to go to sleep.
> > > > > > >>After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
> > bedroom
> > > > door,
> > > > > > >and
> > > > > > >>it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat
> > > > surprised
> > > > > > >Lou
> > > > > > >Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are
done,
> > > Morris
> > > > > > >kisses
> > > > > > >>his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
> > > > > > >>She is set to go to sleep again, but aha, you guessed it -
> > > Morris
> > > > is
> > > > > > >back
> > > > > > >>again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year
old
> > > ready
> > > > for
> > > > > > >more
> > > > > > >>"action." And once again they enjoy each other.
> > > > > > >>But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says
> to
> > > him:
> > > > "I
> > > > > > >am
> > > > > > >>thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so
well
> > > and
> > > > so
> > > > > > >often.
> > > > > > >>I have been with guys less than a third of your age who
were
> > only
> > > > good
> > > > > > >once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat
> > > > > > >embarrassed,
> > > > > > >>turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > >

[wrbones]

I understand this snake!

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers.
He be bout reddy to leave when he seed a snake wit a big frog in his mout.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, hit be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.
He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.

But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried hit's mout open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux
knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or hit's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into
de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour a couple of
draps into de snakes mout.

Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in hits haid and hits body go limp. Wit dat Boudreaux toss's
dat snake into de bayou. den he goes back to fishin.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare
dat water mocassin was with two frogs in his mout.

[wrbones]

>
>
>
>
>
> >There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the
> > > >
> > > >sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
> > > >
> > > >He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked
> on
> > > >
> > > >the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy
> > > >
> > > >and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one
> > > >
> > > >of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not
> > > >
> > > >leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told
> him to
> > > >
> > > >come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
> > > >
> > > >He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course
> > > >
> > > >the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about
> having
> > to
> > get
> > > >
> > > >shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
> > > >
> > > >Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for
> it,
> > > >
> > > >the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed
> down
> > the
> > > >
> > > >hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
> > > >
> > > >Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
> > Madam,
> > > >
> > > >and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why
> did
> > > >
> > > >you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one
> of
> > the
> > others?"
> > > >
> > > >He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my
> parents
> > are
> > > >
> > > >going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
> > baby-sitter.
> > > >
> > > >After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
> just
> > happens
> > > >
> > > >to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
> that
> > > >
> > > >I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the
> baby-sitter
> > > >
> > > >home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll
> > > >
> > > >catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the
> baby-sitter's,
> > > >
> > > >he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In
> > > >
> > > >the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
> milk,
> > > >
> > > >have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the
> > > >
> > > >son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG
>
>

[wrbones]

Time goes bye and life changes but good advice is always
good advice.........


This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level. My long-dead grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce.


The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said,

"Son . . . don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."

[wrbones]

A friend of mine who teaches in Connecticut informed me of
fellow teacher who was arrested for carrying a compass,
two rulers, and a protractor.



It seems that he belongs to a terrorist group known as Al Gebra.
They are suspected of distributing weapons of math instruction!!!

[thedrifter]

An Aussie Writes A Letter To Dear Abby:
Dear Abby,
Should I Confess?
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994,the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an HIV. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fianc?e utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin addiction.
My problem is this: I love my fianc?e and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her before we marry.
Should I tell her that my brother-in-law had sex with Monica Lewinski ??

[thedrifter]

D.I. Inspection:

D.I.: What's that on your face private?
Private: Sir, Blood, Sir.
D.I.: Where did it come from private?
Private: Sir, Shaving, I cut myself shaving, Sir.
D.I.: Private did I give you permission to bleed?
Private: Sir, NO, Sir!
D.I.: Then STOP!!


__________________

[thedrifter]

NOT Stupid:
After a fire started in a downtown hotel four of the guests found the exit downstairs blocked by fire. The guests consisted of an Army Captain, a Navy Captain, an Air Force Col. and a young Marine 2nd Lt.
Surrounded by the fire, the four went up to the roof.
The fire truck soon arrived and the firemen held out a net and yelled up "Ok Ground Pounder, jump!"
The Army Captain responded, "I am an Officer and Gentlemen in the United States Army and you will address me as such."
The firemen yelled back, "Ok, Captain, sir, jump!"
The Captain jumped, the firemen moved the net, and the Captain splattered all over the ground.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Swabbie, jump!"
The Navy Captain yelled back "I graduated from the Naval Academy and you will show respect."
The firemen yelled up "Ok, sir, jump!" again the firemen moved the net and yet another splat.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Flyboy, jump!" The Air Force Col. yelled back "I am a top ace in the Air Force and I deserve some respect."
The firemen said "Ok, pilot sir, jump!" They again moved the net and another big splat.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Jarhead, jump!"
The Young Marine 2nd Lt. yelled down "I'm not stupid like those other guys, you're not moving the net on me. Before I jump put that net on the ground and step back three paces."