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  #71  
Old 03-23-2003, 08:19 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Posts: 1,216
Default A chain letter

>
> A Real Man's Chain Letter --
>
> This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to
> other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters,
> this one doesn't cost anything!
>
> Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who
> are equally tired and discontented.
>
> Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to
> the man whose name appears at the top of the following list,
> and add your name to the bottom of the list.
>
> When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.
> One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
>
> At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine has already received
> 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.
>
> REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
>
> One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy
> playmate.
>
> An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was
> able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood
> super model.
>
> You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!
>
> One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.
>
> Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the bottom of the
> list below!
>
> Bill Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Billy Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Billie Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave

> New York, NY 10017
>
> B. Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> William Jefferson Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. Jefferson Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. Jeff Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. J. Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> William J Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Wilhelm Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Willie Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Will Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Mr. Hillary Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Mr. Slick Willie Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
>
>
>
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  #72  
Old 03-24-2003, 08:44 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,216
Default the voice of experience.....

Actual quotes from kids
ages
> 8 to 15
>
> - "Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
> - "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer."
> Hannah, age 9
> - "When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
> Taylia, age 11
> - "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." Michael, age 14
> - "Never pee on an electric fence." Robert, age 13
> - "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. " Emily, age 10
> - "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
> assignment." Traci, age 14
> - "Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers." Mitchell,
age
> 12
> - "A puppy always has bad breath -- even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew,
> age 9
> - "Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, age 9
> - "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, age 9
> - "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, age 15
> - "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, age 9
> - "Don't pick on your little brother when he's holding a baseball bat."
> Joel, age 10
> - "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
> the phone." Alyesha, age 13
> - "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, age 11
> - "Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, age 8
>
>
> (>
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  #73  
Old 03-25-2003, 08:10 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Posts: 1,216
Default goin' flyin'.....

In these days when flying has become humorless, here's a short tale that may make you smile.
A plane was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. You could tell the man was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. It was obvious he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind guy replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a "Seeing Eye" dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only
tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Have a great day and remember.............
Things aren't always as they appear!
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  #74  
Old 03-25-2003, 10:10 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Posts: 1,216
Default On friendship

> When you are sad,............. I will get you drunk and help you plot
> revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
>
> When you are blue,....... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
>
> When you smile,............ I'll know you finally got laid.
>
> When you are scared,......... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
>
> When you are worried,......... I will tell you horrible stories about how
> much worse it could be and to quit whining.
>
> When you are confused,........ I will use little words to explain it to
> your
> dumb ass.
>
> When you are sick......... Stay away from me until you're well again, I
> don't want whatever you have.
>
> When you fall...... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
>
> This is my oath............... I pledge till the end.
>
> Why you may ask?........ Because you're my friend.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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  #75  
Old 03-26-2003, 11:51 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Default the old Don and his grandson.....

> An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he
> called his grandson to his bed.
>
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna
> you take my chrome plated 38
> revolver so you will always remember me."
>
> But grandpa I really don't like guns, how
> about you leaving me your Rolex
> watch instead."

>"You lisina me, soma day you be runna da
> bussiness, you goina have
> beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and
> maybe a couple bambinos.
>
Soma day you coma home and finda you wife in
> bed with another man. Whata ya
> do then? Pointa to watch and say TIMES UP?"
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >
> >
> >
> >
>
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  #76  
Old 03-28-2003, 06:34 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Default The gunslinger

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will." said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
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  #77  
Old 03-30-2003, 07:20 AM
thedrifter thedrifter is offline
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Default

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I?m ten minutes late?"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute? You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you?re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, that?s true ? I?m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she?s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she?s lying on her back?"

George said, "That?s when I?m ten minutes late!"
__________________
IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY HUSBAND
SSgt. Roger A.
One Proud Marine
1961-1977
68/69
Once A Marine............Always A Marine.............

http://www.geocities.com/thedrifter001/
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  #78  
Old 03-30-2003, 07:21 AM
thedrifter thedrifter is offline
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Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


__________________
__________________
IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY HUSBAND
SSgt. Roger A.
One Proud Marine
1961-1977
68/69
Once A Marine............Always A Marine.............

http://www.geocities.com/thedrifter001/
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  #79  
Old 03-30-2003, 07:22 AM
thedrifter thedrifter is offline
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A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the **** out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
__________________
IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY HUSBAND
SSgt. Roger A.
One Proud Marine
1961-1977
68/69
Once A Marine............Always A Marine.............

http://www.geocities.com/thedrifter001/
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  #80  
Old 03-30-2003, 07:23 AM
thedrifter thedrifter is offline
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A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
__________________
IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY HUSBAND
SSgt. Roger A.
One Proud Marine
1961-1977
68/69
Once A Marine............Always A Marine.............

http://www.geocities.com/thedrifter001/
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