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#1
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The Deadly BREAD Threat
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may
be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up). I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread- induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice.... 1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters. 2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis. 7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days. 8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts. 9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 10: Newborn babies can choke on bread. 11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. 13. French horn players have been known to place raw dough in other player's valves, causing them to expand and burp when operated. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: 1: No sale of bread to minors. 2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school. 3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
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Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) |
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#2
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I understand that . . . . . .
Jane,
I understand that eating brocolli and carrots produced the same results. Milk drinkers also suffered the same results. Wow, I must go on a starvation diet or I'll die. Keith |
#3
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Jane figured that it was the yeast she could to warn us of this grave danger.
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Jeff |
#4
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Uh Jeff, I'd like to buy a vowel.
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Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) |
#5
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Jane, DON'T DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!
I know I have a lot of crust posting on your thread, but I was just trying to get a rise out of everyone. :re:
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Jeff |
#6
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You're crackers!
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Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) |
#7
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Have you tried the chat area yet? I'm waiting fer ya at the Saloon chat room......
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Jeff |
#8
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Nope, didn't know anyone was there. I'll try to get on.
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Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) |
#9
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I guess you guys locked the door, because I'm not getting anywhere with it!
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Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) |
#10
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Have you been out there before?
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Jeff |
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