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Old 03-13-2021, 02:02 PM
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Boats Boats is online now
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 19,579
Talking How's about a little humor to make your day?

Got this from my sister in Arizona
a little while ago - thought I share it.

Topic: Punishment

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If youíre bad at haggling, youíll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyoneís clear, Iím going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band "Duvet". Itís a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriendís audiobook, and now Iíll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is "dark" spelled with a k and not c? Because you canít see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didnít want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar, and the bartender says, ďOh no, not U2 again.Ē

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people itís a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a personís walk, and the result was staggering.

20. Iím trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I wonít lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend whoís struggling with grammar? There, their, theyíre.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are, and he replied, "Aisle B, back."

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. Iíve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. Itís all about raisin awareness.


I thought some were really good ones! What do you think?

O Almighty Lord God, who neither slumberest nor sleepest; Protect and assist, we beseech thee, all those who at home or abroad, by land, by sea, or in the air, are serving this country, that they, being armed with thy defence, may be preserved evermore in all perils; and being filled with wisdom and girded with strength, may do their duty to thy honour and glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

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