Good Joke

[reeb]

Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson replies, " I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meterorlogically, I suspect that we have a beautiful day tomorrow.

"Is that all:, Holmes asked.

"Yes", said Watson. "Why, am I missing something?".

Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke.>>>>>>>>>












"Watson, you dic-head, Someone has stolen the fuc---- Tent.....

enough.............

[Jerry D]

LOL

[revwardoc]

[size="]A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in [/size]Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths are those?" "Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry." She said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[size="]
[/size]

[DMZ-LT]

Woman sitting next to a guy on an airplane. Suddenly he sneezes and then takes out a napkin and shoves it down his pants. He removes the napkin and puts it back in his pocket. He does this several more times and finally the woman can't stand it anymore and asks what he is doing. He tells her he has a rare disease and every time the sneezes he comes , hence the napkin. She asks if he is taking anything for the rare disease and he says yes - pepper !!

[Desdichado]

A guy stops by the local mechanic to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil for horseshoeing. He stopped again at the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all his purchases home.

The owner said "why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand".

"Hey Thanks" the guy said, and out the door he went. In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The guy said "well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Lets take my short cut and go down this alley, we'll be there in no time.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

The guy replied "Holy Smokes Lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said "set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

[Jerry D]

Those were some knee slappers

[grasshopper]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an
old buggy one cold
blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are
freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body
heat will warm
them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her
boyfriend and he said "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The
warmth of my body will warm them up." So he did and warmed his
hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with
the daughter. He
said "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my
legs. The
warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and warmed his
nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter
and he
said," My penis is frozen solid."......
The following day the daughter was driving in the
buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother,
"Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you
ask?"
The daughter replies "Well they make one heck of a mess when
they defrost,
don't they?"

[sn-e3]

HA HA HA HA HA lotflmao

[Desdichado]

Who has not thrilled to the story of Horatius at the bridge? How he and two companions fought alone against the army of Lars Porsena, holding them back until the bridge could be broken, how his companions fled just before the collapse, and Horatius fought alone against the enemy, then swam the roaring Tiber under the arrows and darts of the enemy?

Rome
II Calends, April CCCLX
SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honor
TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome
I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Captain of Foot, CMCMXIV, for the Senate Medal of Honor.
II. Captain Horatius has served XVI years, all honorable.
III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena of Clausium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Captain Horatius, with Sergeant Sporius Laritus and Corporal Julius Herminius, held the entire Tuscan army at the far end of the bridge, until the structure could be destroyed, thereby saving the city.
IV. Captain Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Major Picus of Clausium in individual combat.
V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Captain Horatius are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army.

JULIUS ANTINOUS,
Commander, II Foot Legion

Ist, Ind, AG IV Calends, April CCCLX
TO: G-III
For comment.
G.C.

IInd Ind, G-III IX Calends, May CCCLX
TO: G-II
I. For comment and forwarding.
II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well dispersed tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as written might be construed to cast aspersions on our fine army.
III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable initiative." Captain Horatius's command was II men, only I/IV of a squad.
J.D.

IIIrd Ind, G-II II Ides, June CCCLX
TO: G-I
I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is classified.
II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Captain Picus of Tifernum. Recommend change "Major Picus of Clausium" to "an officer of the enemy forces."
J.H.

IVth Ind, G-I IX Ides, January CCCLXI
TO: JAG
I. Full name is Caius Caius Horatius.
II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter, BPOE, has been given credit for military service in error.
E.J.

Vth Ind, JAG II, February CCCLXI
TO: AG
I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was closed.
II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action.
III. The Senate Medal of Honor cannot be awarded in peacetime (AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C).
IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal.
P.B.

VIth Ind, AF IV Calends, April CCCLXI
TO: G-I
Concur in paragraph IV, Vth Ind.
L.J.

VIIth Ind, G-I I May CCCLXI
TO: AG
Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as appropriate.
E.J.

VIIIth Ind, JAG II Calends, June CCCLXI
TO: JAG
For opinion.
G.C.

IXth Ind, JAG II Calends, September CCCLXI
I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star of Bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed.
II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.
P.B.

X Ind, AG I Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-I
For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.
P.B.

XI Ind, G-I III Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-II
I. Do not concur.
II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were given to Captain Horatius' actions at this time.
T.J.

XII Ind, G-II VI November CCCLXI
TO: G-I
A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very sensitive about the Horatius affair.
E.T.

XIIIth Ind, G-I X November CCCLXI
TO: AG
I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Captain C. C. Horatius to one of our overseas stations (remote).
II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival at final destination.
L.T.

Rome
II Calends, I April CCCLXII
SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, Department of War Postmaster, Rome
I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the Tiber
II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action again certain unfriendly elements on that day. However, Sergeant Lartius and Corporal Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government property.
III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword, officers; III/IV talent each shield.
IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to conservation of government funds and property. The budget must be balanced next year.
H. MARCUS AURELIUS
Lieutenant of Horse
Survey Officer

[Sgt_Tropo]

some, if not all, of these politically motivated, self-serving, ass-kissing generals must still be serving in today's US Armed Forces !