heh heh heh

[sfc_darrel]

In the 16th and 17th centuries, before commercial fertilizer was
invented, large shipments of manure were transported by ship. It was shipped in dry bundles because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet.

But once water hit it at sea, it not only became heavier, but
fermentation began, and a by-product it produced was methane gas. It wasn't long for methane to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before somebody figured out what was happening.

Once they determined the role that manure played in the explosions, shippers began stamping the bundles with the term "Ship High In Transit," so that the sailors would know to stow it high enough off the lower decks that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus the term "S.H.I.T," came down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.

[thedrifter]

IS THIS A CRAZY WORLD OR WHAT!!!!!

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century:

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!! (IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?)

[thedrifter]

Hard to believe, but another year has passed. (For those who don't know
about it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person(s) who
died in the stupidest way, thereby removing themselves from the gene
pool.)

The 2002 nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a
shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a
hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, a mechanic from
Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what
police
describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck
on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the
source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something,
however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft".

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C.
Awakening
to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the
phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which
discharged
when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a
pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police
spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the
strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy
previously had conducted demonstration of window strength according to
police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day
Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room
with
no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed
by
his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large
amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily
of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the
right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep
from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had
he
been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been
fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom. According
to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating
"this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was
hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: ["News of the Weird"]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News
of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South
Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his
sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in
his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and
was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]: A cigarette lighter may have
triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using
a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed
Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's
investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural
Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a
54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was
using
the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird
feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto
suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was
standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector
D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears the chair moved
and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

AND FINALLY: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were seriously
injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near
Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County
deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight
Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock
are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident
occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging
trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the
older model truck had burned out.
As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22
caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to
the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights
again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the
White River Bridge.
After traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing, the bullet
apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right
testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and
striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the
accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis
sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this
is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this
accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck,
Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did
anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia!)

No matter how bad things get, remember, 'this too shall pass'. Believe
it! ! !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~;-)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but how we react to
what happens.

[thedrifter]

Thuds



A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

[thedrifter]

Diagnoses



A young doctor had moved to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house, a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately," she said.

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you, at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[thedrifter]

Gender Of Computers



A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships were addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem themselves.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it

[thedrifter]

STRANDED IN THE DESERT

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara on a camel.

On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation.

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks
pretty grim.

"I know, Father," the nun answered.

"In fact, I don't think it is likely that we can survive more than a day or
two."

"I agree," said the nun.

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do
something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see
yours."

"Well, under the circumstances, I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit, and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented, and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Can I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.

"Oh, Father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented, and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a
huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give
life."

"Is that true, Father?"

"Yes it is, Sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass, so we can get the **** out
of here."

[thedrifter]

Just an e-mail Note



An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[thedrifter]

Dominated By Women



Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[thedrifter]

know the Hole Truth



At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father.

"Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."