L.a.r.k.

[David]

Subject: L.A.R.K.

The White House

1200 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, D.C.
February 19, 2002

Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and El Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your
opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington,
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program,
to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program,
or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee
has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily-armed
guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you
can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards
you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely
be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care
for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in
your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving
meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also,
these should "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand
since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will
do in your yard) - but look on the bright side... no increase in the
toilet paper bill! He generally bathes quarterly with the change of
seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes
simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new
friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely
remedied.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage:
"Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is sociopathic and
extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described
as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character
flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere
cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies
test came back negative so not to worry. We understand that you plan to
offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills
at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to
keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend
him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters
(except sexually) since he views females as a sub-human form of
property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your
sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh -
and rest assured that he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and
dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more
than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.
We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for
people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials
with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just
to help you do your job better.

Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business,
seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206
federal laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your
profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing
everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued
member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...
we'll be watching.

Cordially,


George W. Bush

[Hoyin]

ROFLMAO

thats rich! I wish that letter was being sent out!!

*snickering like mad over here*

[Sgt_Tropo]

David, I hope you don't mind, but I just HAVE to print this out and post it on my office door. We have a few of these "liberal" types around here and this letter is the "perfect" adornment for the office ! I don't know where you got this or where, inthe deepest recesses of your sick" little mind you came up with this, but it is GOOOOD !!!!! Made my day all around. eep up the good work.

[David]

Hehe, my dad sent it too me in email Sgt_Tropo, not sure were he got it from