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Old 07-19-2020, 03:52 PM
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Boats Boats is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Sauk Village, IL
Posts: 21,783
Talking Time for some funny stuff

#1: CHAIN OF COMMAND

During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your car stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

#2: A MOMENT O ALARM

Two crows were flying along slowly minding their own business enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden out of the blue an F/A-18E/F Super Hornet goes screaming past, barely missing the now somersaulting, and wildly flapping crows.

"Oh my God!" exclaims one crow in surprise. "He was sure moving!"

The other crow replies: "I reckon you would be too if you had two backsides and both of them were alight!"

#3: A JOB WELL DONE

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

#4: A PERFECT FIT

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.

"Put up your hand if you are the laziest."

When 24 men raised their hands, the Sergeant asked the other man: "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

#5: FROM ACROSS THE POND

The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins.

He looked at the first young man and asked: "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says: "I'm a pilot!"

The General gets all excited, turns to his aide and says: “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The General looks at the second young man and asks: "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says: "I chop wood!"

“Son,” the general replies: “We don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “You are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “You hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “He’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says: “So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

6: GET IN LINE

A Drill Sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said: "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied: "Not me, Sarge…no sir!

"I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line."

7: TRAINING PRIORITIES

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused: "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

8: A NIGHT UNDER THE STARS

The company commander and the sergeant were in the field. As they go to bed for the night, the first sergeant said: "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

The commander said: "I see millions of stars."

Sgt: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

Sgt: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

9: GONE FISHIN'

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit. When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can't swim I'd be disgraced."

"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."

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Some of the mental and physical benefits from laughter include:

* It Improves immunity – Laughing strengthens the immune system by decreasing stress hormones, increasing immune cells and antibodies.

* Its an Automatic stress-reliever – Embracing life’s funny moments relieves stress by relaxing muscles throughout the body and releases endorphins that boost moods.

* Its a Natural pain reducer – Endorphins released by laughter also help reduce pain. Goodbye, ibuprofen.

* It acts as an emotional release – When you laugh, you relieve negative emotions, which can reduce anxiety and sadness.

* It offers new perspective – Having a sense of humor is good for many situations, but especially when life throws challenges your way. It can help you see things from a perspective that makes you feel safer.

Note: Plus, it’s good for your relationship. Humor can help relationships by:

* It reduces the room tension – A dose of good humor can quickly diffuse anger and tension by laughing together.

* It brings you closer together – When you share positive feelings and inside jokes together, it helps build emotional connections that help you navigate stress, disappointments, and arguments.

* It makes forgiveness easier – If you can lighten the mood with humor, it helps you to forgive and move past negative moments faster. *

More;

There’s humor, and then there’s military humor. It doesn’t have to be offensive, either. Like most good comedy, military jokes that are relevant to real life are even more enjoyable because they’re so relatable.

Here we share some our favorite military jokes below:

A. Real Estate:

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy, and Marines bicker among themselves is because they don’t speak the same language. For instance, here’s what happens after they secure a building:

The Army will post guards around the building.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock all the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and then set up headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy at the end.

B. Air Force and the Wife:

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane, only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

C. Military Kids:

What do you call kids in the military?

Infantry.

D. Don’t Worry:

This Sergeant worried about everything. Then one day the other Sergeants in his unit heard him whistling happily and looking noticeably relaxed.

“What happened?” they asked him in astonishment.

He said, “I’m paying a private to do all my worrying for me.”

“How much do you pay him?’ they asked.

“Two thousand dollars a week,” he replied.

“Wow! How can you afford that?,” they asked.

“I can’t,” he said. “But that’s his worry.”

E. Gone Fishing:

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Navy base. A ragged old Marine Gunnery Sgt. was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.

A curious young Navy fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

“Fishing,” the old guy simply said.

“Poor old fool,” the Navy officer thought and he invited the ragged old Marine into the pub for a drink.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the smart-ass fighter pilot asked, “And how many have you caught?’

“You’re the eighth,” the old Marine Gunny answered.

Boats
__________________
Boats

O Almighty Lord God, who neither slumberest nor sleepest; Protect and assist, we beseech thee, all those who at home or abroad, by land, by sea, or in the air, are serving this country, that they, being armed with thy defence, may be preserved evermore in all perils; and being filled with wisdom and girded with strength, may do their duty to thy honour and glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

"IN GOD WE TRUST"
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