Is it just me?

SparrowHawk62 · #1 03-18-2004, 09:44 PM

Sometimes I have a very bad habit of running my mouth. It's more than likely the main reason I lost my last job. Having run into a few people I use to work with today was not the best thing to have happened to me. A few of them haven't seen me since early January, and I don't keep in touch with any of my fellow co-workers.
Everybody wants the dirt, what happened, who did what to who, bla bla bla. One woman who I was fairly friendly with asked what I had/have been doing. I let her know I was seeing a few Doctors for various problems. PTSD, ADD borderline ADHD, depression, stress and anxiety while in large crowds.
One dumb ass in the crowd responded with, "PTSD what are you some kind of war hero?" No, I told him, I'm far from ever being called a hero. I saw some things in the Navy that bother me almost every day of my life. Things I can't get out of my mind.
My woman friend then asked what I was doing about this. "Oh, I've filed a claim with the VA." This brought more stupid comments from the 'mouth'. "Gonna suck on the systems thumb for the rest of your life." I told the female co-worker, I'd get in touch with her cause if I stick around some clown is going to get hurt.
Now having cooled off, I wonder how do others forget such tragic events, do they ever go away? The one thing that bothers me the most is my story below. I know I couldn't have done anything to prevent this, but some how I still feel guilty...

In Memory of Lt. Roy Hubert Hodge

The drowning accident of Lt. Hodge on the 30th of July 1982, from the deck of the Carrier USS Independence CV-62 has been relived in my mind thousands of times. It is one reason why I suffer from PTSD.
This may not have been a case of Pilot error as so many of us were told. The EA6-B this crew was flying in parted an arresting gear wire. The Planes arresting gear hook did not fully engage the wire. I've been told it was embedded in the cable about one quarter of the way. Actually cutting the cable itself, in a normal trap the hook captures the wire. (Picture your hand around an ice cream cone.) The Prowler was not at full power after the trap and may have come to a complete stop, when this small section of cable parted. The Lancer Jet slowly rolled off the angle deck and into the water. The flight crew ejected before the bird rolled off the deck and hit the sea. There was a paniced concern that only three chutes were seen, word was quickly received and put out that one of the back seats had been flown empty. Two of the aviators in fully deployed chutes drifted clear of the slowly sinking plane. They were watched from the point of their ejection until they were picked up by rescue helo's from the Independence.
Lt. Hodge was not to be that fortunate. His chute did not appear to have fully opened and if it did it was to close to the sea to make a difference. Lt. Hodge landed ontop of the now crippled and sinking plane, his chute enveloping both himself and the slowly sinking aircraft.
From both the Flight Deck and the Hanger Bay, helpless crew members watched in shocked horror. I remember throwing my P.F.D. along with many other crew members into the water. The water around the stricken aircraft was littered with any items that would float. Both the 5 and 3 MC's blasted orders that no one was to jump into the water. I don't recall the crash alarm being sounded, I'm told it was. I remember no noise other than the 5mc. The ship had commenced a slow turn returning to the site of the accident and went D.I.W.
Myself and others watched as Lt. Hodge tried in vain to free himself from the chute that may have saved him otherwise.
After what seemed like hours, the chute entangled with the Prowler slowly sunk and took with it LT. Roy Hubert Hodge III.

In July of 2001 while talking to some co-workers, my conversation about this accident was over heard by a third party. This person Angil asked me where I heard this story. I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't hear the story, I lived it! He recounted that he had been a bar tender and heard a story very much like the one I've told above.
There's only one shipmate I've run into from the area I use to call home. I told this man that I had run into a shipmate about 1987-88, tall skinny, dirty blond haired guy. The third party said this was the guy. He was visibly shaken, seems for all these years he never knew if this story was true or not. I have confirmed it for him. He told me the next day he couldn't sleep now knowing that this was a true story, I told him he only lost one nights sleep, I've got him well beat!

Please also remember that this is how I relive the story in my own mind. It does not match the official version I'm sure.
Others I've talked to recall the accident almost the same way.
One shipmate was watching the event directly below were I was standing on the flight deck, he was in the hanger bay.
I never met Lt. Hodge, I am sure like the rest of the Men of VAQ-131 he was great guy. I know I'll never forget this man, I only hope to see him while I'm on my final cruise.

This is only one of the events that haunts me late at night. There were birds we launched that didn't come back. Victims of mid-air collisions. Dual rudder failure on one F-14. Faces of Pilots I knew now gone forever. The ingestion of Petty Officer Buckstone by an S-3, the after math still vivid in my mind. Two shipmates washed overboard while getting rid of trash in high seas. An H-46 that crashed to the deck due to a nose chain still attached to it. Guys getting blown over or hit by cargo boxes on the deck..

So while I'm laughed at and made fun of by a few. I am getting help and I have been able to talk these so called problems out. The right medication helps with some of the other problems.
I truly hope when I make it to my final cruise, I can ask these shipmates for forgiveness. We left them behind in body, but the spirit of these men will forever be carried by some of us.

wrbones · #2 03-18-2004, 09:59 PM

You ain't alone, brother. You ain't alone.

sn-e3 · #3 03-18-2004, 10:09 PM

Hawk read the pm i sent you

SparrowHawk62 · #4 03-19-2004, 04:09 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by sn-e3 Hawk read the pm i sent you

Done, thanks. I've sent one to you.

BLUEHAWK · #5 03-19-2004, 04:14 AM

Forgiveness Sparrow?

My guess is that they'll be mighty glad to visit with you again, and maybe tell the story from where THEY were in it... If nothing could have been done, then most probably nothing could have been done differently.

Appreciate hearing your experience... what Bones said.

SparrowHawk62 · #6 03-19-2004, 04:21 AM

Well, log an other sleep less night for me. I stayed up all night to keep the flash backs and ghosts away. Stupid, I know but it's beats the hell out of passing out drunk.
Seem like only a few hours ago I was on the flight deck, all the krap happens in one day. It's just my mind playing back all these events back to back, but man...
I was doing pretty good with the PTSD, untill yesterday. Running into my ex-coworkers was part of the trigger. The other was my hobby. I collect patches on and off. I've got a jacket I'm putting together. USS Independence and Air Wing Six on the back, my duty stations on the right front, A POW-MIA, USS Liberty and USS Cole on the left front ( a small personal memorial).
Between the remarks an A/H made and me thinking of the shipmates lost on the Liberty and Cole. Well, it was just to much.
I'll be fine, it gets a bit less intense as time passes. Not easier just as I age I am slightly better at copeing with it and getting help.
Sorry to vent, but here at least I feel most of you understand.
Thanks for the space to do this!

kmac7847 · #7 03-19-2004, 05:04 AM

Hawk my friend, Don't worry about the A/H's out there that have never even lifted a finger for this country. To be in the shit for them is stranded on the side of the road with a flat. I can personally attest to many sleppless night's after missions that I was on over the years. There is NO Worse feeling then trying to patch up your best friends chest after a 7.62 round just devistated him, and him dying in my arms.
I can't even count the number of missions I exited with no
wounded or casualties. It's the 32 missions with wia or Kia that really bother me.

But my friend there is hope help and prayer. I'll be the lead prayer partner for you so dont be surprised if you fall asleep at anytime and sleep like a baby....I love ya brother!

KmAmburgey

DMZ-LT · #8 03-19-2004, 05:42 AM

What Bones said. Keep movin. Peace

SparrowHawk62 · #9 03-19-2004, 01:44 PM

My many thanks to those of you who have replied.

frisco-kid · #10 03-19-2004, 03:48 PM

This is the place to do it. Most of us on here know exactly what you're going through, one degree or another. The Ass Holes running at the mouth haven't a clue. They've never served in the service of other's, let alone their country, and the only time that they've placed themselves in Harm's Way is crossing a busy street. Like we said in VN, "DON'T MEAN NOTHIN'."