Is it just me?

[39mto39g]

Let me put my 2 cents.
People deal with trama different, That is a NORMAL thing.
A Army or Marine grunt may go through his whole carrier and see only one death, That death is just as dramatic and devistating as if a grunt has seen 300 deaths, Thats a NORMAL thing.
I personally deal with death, I guess, better than most people. I seen a lot of Death in the service and a lot of death in the fire service. But I think I can relate to people that feel a great sence of loss and guilt for the death they had wittnessed.
Im not telling you how to act or what to feel, cause that has to come from within you. I am telling you that, 1 or 300 we know how you feel , its the same. and Your NORMAL.

Ron

[SEATJERKER]

...All the past does is creep up everynow, and then, sometimes a lot more often then we like,...

...Here is your comfort room,... there's no judges here, just Brother's, and Sister's in arms, over time here you'll feel more at home, and it is the best daily medicine you'll have found,...

...Ron,...
....You covered that well,...

...

[SparrowHawk62]

Originally posted by 39mto39g
But I think I can relate to people that feel a great sence of loss and guilt for the death they had wittnessed.
Im not telling you how to act or what to feel, cause that has to come from within you. I am telling you that, 1 or 300 we know how you feel , its the same. and Your NORMAL.
Ron

Ron, thank you.
Dealing with death is not so much my issue as the way I watched these shipmates die. Wondering "what if, I could-a, I should-a" those are the real issues. I have come to deal with the fact that I was not at fault and I could have done nothing to help save or prevent the death of these shipmates. But I still find myself questioning those events.
I've dealt with death on a fairly continuous basis. As a former Corrections Officer, hangings (suicide, resulting in death) and shivings were common. Natural death, inmates dying of Aids are also part of the Corrections environment. As cold as this may sound, these deaths didn't and don't bother me. These individuals chose the life style that lead to their own destruction.
I rode as part of an Ambulance crew for a few years. Nothing bothers me from what I encountered. I do think about a few situations, and wonder why but hold no fault of my own.
I do however hold one event as my fault and question my actions on that day.
It was a snowy, lousy day for driving type day (Feb 97). My normal route to work would delay me due to weather. I chose my alternate route, the NYS Thruway. So off I was on my way to work, driving my 68 Ford Falcon with all it's limitations. A few miles into my trip I saw a large, slightly snow covered object in the road way. As I went around this object, I saw a face! I pulled over, thinking what the hell is someone doing in the middle of the Thruway? I ran over to this young girl, assessed that she need immediate medical attention. There was no one around, no cars to be seen, no one coming in either direction. This was long before I had a cell phone. Taking the Falcon had been a mistake.
I left the wife the better of our cars, the one with my first aid bag, flashlights... I cursed myself for having done so. I did have a blanket in the car, I got that for the young lady, rechecked her, her pulse was weak and breathing shallow, but she was alive.
A few folks had finally stopped, no phone, no first aid kits. Finally a NYS Thruway Truck, at last some help! A two way radio, and so help was requested. At this point the young lady had stopped breathing, I did CPR for what seemed like days.
Two NYSPD cars showed up, they called for an ambulance. One of the Troopers took over the CPR. The other spotted a car off the road and snow covered. There was the answer, but there were people in the car! One of the Troopers asked the driver what had happened, I was attending to the young lady now breathing again. Her mother came to hold her hand, screaming both at me and her daughter in Spanish! I watched the young lady's last gasp of life leave her body.
Further CPR was not going to be of any use. The Ambulance crew who arrived said she had numerous internal injuries, some of which I knew from my assessment.
The small car this young lady and her family had been traveling in was side swiped by a tractor trailer truck. The impact spun the car, ejecting the sleeping girl through the back side window of the car. It wasn't until a few days later they found the truck and it's driver. He wasn't charged with anything, he stated he never knew the truck had hit a car, but remembered passing a small car that was diving almost in the center of the Thruway.
Not only did I get an ass chewing for being late to work, I thought about this accident all day long, hardly functioning at my job.
Then the questions started with in my own mind. If had only gone to work my normal way, maybe it would have never happened! If I had a cell phone, would help arrived earlier?
Would my first aid bag had made any difference? Had I caused even more internal injury doing CPR? Questions that still linger in my mind.
I quit doing Volunteer Ambulance work, even with all the folks I helped, I still can't handle having lost this young girl.

My life goes on such as it is. It is not with out depression, self dough, quilt. I have gotten and still get help with these problems. Talking and writing about it all helps a great deal.
No, I'm normal if there is such a thing, I'm just not in mint condition!

[MORTARDUDE]

No you are not alone. I have always felt more at home discussing my problems here than with co-workers....go figure. Consider going to private therapy. It is a start. May God Bless.

Larry

[SparrowHawk62]

Originally posted by MORTARDUDE No you are not alone. I have always felt more at home discussing my problems here than with co-workers....go figure. Consider going to private therapy. It is a start. May God Bless.
Larry

Could be because we are faceless here. We do share a common bond, that of being Veterans. Co-workers don't always take the time to listen, here we can read what we want, think about the subject and respond. Non Vets will never understand what most of went through and what some of us endure later in life. Some will say that Fire Men, Cops and others understand. I don't agree they deal with situations where they chose to do that job. We who have been in Military, often didn't have a choice, we were ordered into doing jobs.
As for therapy, I've seen Doctors for PTSD for a few years now. I will continue to do so. There are days where I think it's helped immensely other days when I wonder why the hell I wasted my time.
Getting a grip on my temper is another matter. That I am working on everyday.
It's great to have found this site, you guys/gals are doing me a world of good, my many thanks!

[SparrowHawk62]

Originally posted by SEATJERKER ...All the past does is creep up everynow, and then, sometimes a lot more often then we like,...
...Here is your comfort room,... there's no judges here, just Brother's, and Sister's in arms, over time here you'll feel more at home, and it is the best daily medicine you'll have found,...
...Ron,...
....You covered that well,...
...

Thanks, how very right you are.

[Dragon Lady]

Sparrow,
I know a portion of your pain. I was there on several occasions when we welcomed your fellow Navymen home. I was one of many volunteers at Dover's Mortuary. When the USS Stark was attacked I escorted two shipmen through the process line and stood watch over their bodies all night long in the Hangar. I will never forget the sight of all those caskets lined up in a massive hanger that was built to house an entire C5 inside of it. That is far too many deaths. The hardest thing was standing at attention while the families claimed their loved ones. My tears flowed freely, but I never left my post until the Navy Admiral thanked me and excused me.

Prior to that was when the 101st Airborn was lost over Gander, New Foundland right before Christmas. The hardest thing was leaving that behind while I attended to my own wedding. That tragedy was still formost in my mind the day I walked down the aisle. Talk about a strange dicotamy. Here I was supposed to be celebrating the happiest day of my life and yet I was still back at the morgue in Dover with a body bag and a manilla envelope with this person's personal effects, paperwork, and medals.

I too have lost friends to aircraft accidents. One punched out over Lake Huron in the early 90's as he did, he broke both arms. He was unable to remove his chute. As you may know the weather over Huron is very unpredictable. A huge squal kicked up and the rescue chopper was grounded. They were unable to even recover his body. As far as I know he still lies at the bottom of Huron. He left behind a wife and a baby born the same time as my son. This child is about to turn 14 and has never really known his dad. He was a great neighbor and friend.

I still deal with these memories at some of the oddest times. They have a way of just popping into the forefront when least expected. But, I try not to give them power over me. I have handed them off to my higher power. I know that I am not capable of banishing them all on my own so I call on "Big Daddy" to chase these monsters away.
This is how I deal with it. Not everyone deals with these types of stresses the same way. You will find what works for you. And it sounds to me like you are on your way. When it gets difficult, you can always turn to your counselor. Find a support group in your area and see if they have a sponsor program. Sponsors are great and they arent just for AA/NA programs. They should be someone that you know you can call at 3:00 AM and they will meet you for coffee.

This forum is also a great place to go when you need to get something off your chest. My experience here is that most of these guys wont judge you and that is paramount to me!

DL

[SparrowHawk62]

You know D.L. I never gave much thought to the Service men and women doing funeral details. Thank you for bringing that subject to my attention. Most importantly thank you for having done those details!
Strange how events such as the ones mentioned here have shaped our lives. In grained in our persons.
Don't know if I'd really want to do the sponsor routine. I do like the suggestion and will give it some more thought.
Thank you again.

[Dragon Lady]

Like I said...what works for me may not be what works for others. Just know that you most certainly are not alone. There are others here and elsewhere willing to help you carry your burden. It is not your sole responsibility to do so. You might just need to give yourself permission to hand the burden to someone else.
The hardest lesson I've had to learn in this life is that it is okay to ask for help once in a while. I'm always the go-to person. I've rarely been the one who needed to turn to someone else and I saw that as being weak (My own shortcoming). I'm still working on this one. Maybe someday I'll get it figured out.
DL

[SparrowHawk62]

Originally posted by Dragon Lady
The hardest lesson I've had to learn in this life is that it is okay to ask for help once in a while. I'm always the go-to person. I've rarely been the one who needed to turn to someone else and I saw that as being weak (My own shortcoming). I'm still working on this one. Maybe someday I'll get it figured out.
DL

When you get it figured out, could you please explain it to me?
Yes, asking for help has some times been a difficult task. I was more or less told to get help. Having done so, I've found it has been easier to get more help. A social worker I use to deal with was about useless. He dealt with Police, Firemen, Corrections Officers so I gave him a try. The bum fell asleep during one of my sessions! I walked out of his office and refused to pay him for that visit. I moved on to seeing a few Doctors, they all have been very helpful.
Weakness, no, more so a shield, a form of protection for ourselves. Seems to work most of the time until that situation comes along that we can't handle alone. Then the inner conflict begins.
Maturity seems to have something to do with getting rid of this conflict. As we age, I don't think we have to prove ourselves as much. Wisdom becomes greater, our coping skills improve.