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Old 08-17-2019, 03:31 PM
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Boats Boats is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Chicago, IL
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Talking Well I was overdue for some Humor so here goes:

1. The two Marines and a dog

Two Marines are walking down the street when one of them spots a dog licking himself. One Marine says to the other, "man, I wish I could do that."

To which the other Marine replies, "no, you better not. That dog might bite you!"


2. The military and real estate

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy, and Marines bicker among themselves is because they don't speak the same language. For instance, here's what happens after they secure a building.

The Army will post guards around the building. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock all the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and then set up headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy at the end.


3. The old veteran and his barracks room

An old veteran walks into a grocery store. Immediately, the cashier stops him and says, "sir, your barracks door is open." At first, he pays zero attention to her because he doesn't live in the barracks. So, he continues shopping until he spots a man stocking some shelves. He tells him what the cashier said and asks what she could've meant.

He tells the veteran that his fly is open.

After completing his shopping, he goes back to the same cashier and says, "ma'am, you told me my barracks door was open. While you were looking, did you see a Marine standing at attention, saluting?"

The cashier replies, "no, sir. I just saw an old, retired veteran lying on two seabags."


4. A sailor tells a joke to two Marines

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and asks, "hey, do you want to hear a Marine joke?" The guy responds, "well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6-foot tall, I weigh 200 pounds, and I'm a Marine."

"The guy sitting next to me," he continues, "is 6′ 2″, weighs 250 pounds, and he's also a Marine. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?"

The sailor says, "nah, I don't want to have to explain it more than twice."


5. One lazy sailor

A senior chief, when addressing his 25 sailors, says, "I have an easy job for the laziest man here. Put your hand up if you are indeed the laziest."

Almost immediately, 24 men raise their hands. The senior chief asks the other man, "why didn't you raise your hand?"

The sailor replies, "because it was too much trouble, senior chief."


5. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"


6. An Army family living on base and there young son runs up to his mother and asks mama do women soldiers come apart? she says no where did you get such an idea? the boy replies I just heard Daddy tell another soldier that last night he screw the ass off one.


7. Two young Marines were wandering around the LST that was transporting them to a training mission. They stopped at a scuttlebutt (drinking fountain) for a drink. One Private turns to the other Private and said "this water tastes a little funny". The other Private says "yea, I think they use powdered water". My question was, what did they think they were going to mix the powdered water with, powdered air? It never ceased to amaze me the profound statements that would come out of the mouth of a Marine who just graduated Boot Camp.


8. Vietnam.."note" ((you must use the hand signs provided in the story for full efect))......Joe comes to the top of a hill and runs smack dab into charlie. Joe says to charlie are you a paratrooper s igniting with palm and fingers faced down. Charlie just stares.joe says to charlie if your not a paratrooper then you must be an infintryman portraying his two fingers walking. Charlie just cauks his head. Joe says are you an artillery man signing with two fingers down and one inbetween. Charlies eyes get big at this point. So Joe says to charlie... alright if your not a paratrooper (signing), infentryman ( signing) artilleryman (signing) then you must be a scout holding his hands up to his face portraying binoculars. Charlie turns tail sprints back down the hill crawls thrue a tunnel and approaches his commander. His co. Says charlie what's wrong ching Chong chinger says charli.....those American soldiers are crazy signing to his commander as he tells his tail as he interpreted it. When the sun goes down were gona sneak up behind you and fuck you in the ass till your eyes bug out.


9. Army First Sgt retired after 30 and along with his parrot of 25 years buys a chicken range. The parrot is even more militarized than the 1SG so the 1SG tells him it's time to forget all the BS, no more 0600 bugles, no formations, nothing just takin' it easy. The first day was a long one so it was rack time early. At 0600 sharp Top was awoken by the sounds of terror and mayhem in the chichen house. Thinking a Fox got in he grabs his shotgun and away he goes. Gun at ready he throws open the door and sees a scene of total mayhem. the parrot is yelling and screaming Reveille, Reveille get outa the rack and prepare for inspection. Grabbing the parrot by the neck he says, "I told you we ain't in the Army no more so knock this shit off. Throws the parrot out and goes back to bed. Next morning 0600 hell's breaking loose, again. Throws open the door and sees all the white chickens on one side, bloody, beat up and scare sh--less. The brown chickens on the other side lined up and standin' tall. There's parrot, DI hat at a cocky angle, wings folded behind his back and screaming at the white chickens, "Awright you lunkhead I'm done with this insubordination. When I say fall out in khaki's, I MEAN FALL OUT IN KHAKIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. When I joined the A.F., I was so gun ho, I wanted to apply for an "In-flight Missile Mechanic"

11. Thoughts for the Day

* If my body is ever found on a jogging trail just know that I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.

* Respect your elders. They graduated from school without the internet.

* I've decided I'm not old, I'm 25 -- plus shipping and handling.

* Why do I have to press "1" for english? Did America move?

* We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

* Gun control is using both hands.

* Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

* Let's stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.

* Vegetarian: ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish, or light fires!

* I look at people and sometimes think "really”? -- that's the sperm that won?"

* In my defense i was left unsupervised.

* If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.

* My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.

* Some things are just better left unsaid -- and i usually realize it right after i say them.

* We owe illegals nothing -- we owe our veterans everything.

* Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

* I thought getting old would take longer.

* A wise man once said...nothing.

12. The Bell Ringer

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an arm-less man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the arm-less man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,....... "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! There's more............
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the arm-less campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor arm-less wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the arm-less man's brother stooped, picked up a mallet and struck the bells as beautifully as his brother. But as he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...??

( . . Wait for it . . )

( . . It's worth it . . )

O Almighty Lord God, who neither slumberest nor sleepest; Protect and assist, we beseech thee, all those who at home or abroad, by land, by sea, or in the air, are serving this country, that they, being armed with thy defence, may be preserved evermore in all perils; and being filled with wisdom and girded with strength, may do their duty to thy honour and glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

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