Afternoon Humor!

[SuperScout]

Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.



"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."



"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.




"He's a martyr now, though" mum confides. "




Oh, so sad dear" says the other.




"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."




"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."




"He's a martyr, too" says mum quietly.




"Oh gracious me," says the other.




"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ", she whispers.




"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started school".




"He's a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.




After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[SuperScout]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the
astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son
translated for the NASA people "What are these guys in the big suits doing? "

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to
the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA
official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and
played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he
finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these bastards. They have come to steal your land."

[Jerry D]

Them Navajo have a good sense of Humour

[SuperScout]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."


2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."


3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."


5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."


6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."


7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."


8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."


9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"


10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."


11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."


12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"


13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."


14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"


15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world, who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."


16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."


17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"


18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way .."


19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"


20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."


21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."


22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."


23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"


24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."


And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[DeadlyDaring]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now
you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'
'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently......
....but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000
compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a
new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the
thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean,
if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher
she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you
decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the
next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

'We're having a new kitchen.

[DeadlyDaring]

Obama and a priest are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

The priest looks at Obama's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He then looks at Obama and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder - not your penis."

Obama replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

[DeadlyDaring]

Obama and a priest are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

The priest looks at Obama's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He then looks at Obama and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder - not your penis."

Obama replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

[DeadlyDaring]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend ?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then ?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her, that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that !"

"What do you mean ?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[DeadlyDaring]

A WOMAN'S POEM


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



A MAN'S POEM



I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End

[DeadlyDaring]

Why you should never flirt at parties!

A couple were invited to a family masked, fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache! She told her husband to go to the party

alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was

going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good

time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as

it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know

what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching

her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,

cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he

could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he

left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and

she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in

the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home; put

the costume away and sat up reading when he came in. She asked what kind of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not

there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced once. When I got there, I

met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room

and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all

night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,

"Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of

his life"!