Afternoon Humor!

[SuperScout]

Thanks for making my morning brighter!! Other than a good cup or three of coffee, laughter is a great way to start the day!

[Keith_Hixson]

This Sick Cynical Humor is far too intellectual for most of the guys on this site. But, I appreciate it. Why would anyone go to Starbucks for a caffeine fix, when you can get it at home for 5 cents a cup. You must have more dollars than sense to go to Starbucks.

Keith

[SuperScout]

Years ago, the the breweries created a marketing plan for their new product, a beer with fewer calories, ergo, less alcohol, they ran a "name-that-beer" contest. The grand prize winner would be on the "Tonight " show, receive a cash award, and other perks.

As fate would have it, the winning name "wa-ah tsu nah," was submitted by an rather old Huron Indian. He was a publicist's best dream - photogenic face, full native American regalia, and a passing knowledge of the English language.

On the "Tonight" show, he asked why he had submitted the name "wa-ah tsu nah" for the beer 's name. "Uh," he grunted, "wa-ah tsu nah" old Huron word for 'making love in canoe,' and that's f**king near water, and that's what this beer tastes like."

[SuperScout]

There is a lot of fuzzy, misleading information about health and dieting today. In an effort to clear up the confusion, I have received the following list of questions and answers from a less-than-reliable, but definitely enjoyable, source.

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. So, don't waste them on exercise, which makes your heart beat faster. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Why add five years to
your life, when all you did those five years was jog? Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No gain...Good!

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about health and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

[SuperScout]

A missionary priest who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic
activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[Keith_Hixson]

1. Airplane landing

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

2. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before next flight.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious



Keith

[Jerry D]

Those were some good ones Keith

Someone's been reading my maintance reports again

[b3196]

Keith
There are other smart-asses in this world besides me
Bob K

[Keith_Hixson]

Bob, I resemble that remark.
We are a misunderstood bunch. Only thing my dad use to say, "Keith, remember if you give it out you better be able to take it." I can handle your deep cutting remarks Bob.

Sis, never knows what to do with my Kumbya remarks.

Keith

A pregnant woman is sadly caught in a robbery attempt and was shot three times in the stomach. The doctors wanting to save the children decided to leave the bullets in her. Unexpectedly she has triplets 2 girls and a boy. About sixteen years go by, and the children are in their adolescence, One of the girls call comes up to her mother in tears, Momma, Momma, she says I just took a pea and this bullet come out of me, don't worry says the mother and explains what happened when she was pregnant. About a couple of days later the other girls comes in crying saying the same thing: Momma, Momma, I just took a pea and this bullet came out of me, again the mother explains what happened when she was pregnant. A few days later the boy comes up to his mom crying, he tells her he was playing with him self and a bullet came, don't worry says the mother and tells the boy what happened, the boys says momma I don't care about that, when I was playing with my self and when it came out I shot the dog.