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Old 10-11-2017, 04:35 PM
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Talking Let's have a little laughter I'm depressed

Definition of "OLD"

I like #4 but all of them ain't that bad. Have a good day!

#1

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!


#2

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"


#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


#4
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.


#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"


#7
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.


#10
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
__________________
Boats

O Almighty Lord God, who neither slumberest nor sleepest; Protect and assist, we beseech thee, all those who at home or abroad, by land, by sea, or in the air, are serving this country, that they, being armed with thy defence, may be preserved evermore in all perils; and being filled with wisdom and girded with strength, may do their duty to thy honour and glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

"IN GOD WE TRUST"
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  #2  
Old 10-12-2017, 06:48 AM
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Talking Irish Divorce

Irish Divorce

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law,
Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his bags "What happened Paddy?"
she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife
telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ....
And guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in
our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done.
I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and
find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation.

She never got your e-mail."
__________________
Boats

O Almighty Lord God, who neither slumberest nor sleepest; Protect and assist, we beseech thee, all those who at home or abroad, by land, by sea, or in the air, are serving this country, that they, being armed with thy defence, may be preserved evermore in all perils; and being filled with wisdom and girded with strength, may do their duty to thy honour and glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

"IN GOD WE TRUST"
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  #3  
Old 10-12-2017, 10:52 AM
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Topic: "OLD PEOPLE" PRIDE

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only "old people" receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.

Old People are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old People remove their caps, cover their hearts, stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

Old People remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy, and Hitler.. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Person on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Person on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old People trust strangers and are courtly to women and treat them with great respect.

Old People hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old People get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

Old People have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children, grandchildren or their animals.

It's the Old People who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old People with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country, and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old People....
Pass this on to all of the "Old People" you know.
I was taught to respect my elders.
It's just getting harder to find them.
__________________
Boats

O Almighty Lord God, who neither slumberest nor sleepest; Protect and assist, we beseech thee, all those who at home or abroad, by land, by sea, or in the air, are serving this country, that they, being armed with thy defence, may be preserved evermore in all perils; and being filled with wisdom and girded with strength, may do their duty to thy honour and glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

"IN GOD WE TRUST"
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