Afternoon Humor!

[sn-e3]

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields, and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size? and style?"
"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied..............
(You're going to love this one!)

"From the floor ma'am.......From the floor."

[goodnessgracie]

No need for a red Corvette here, huh???

[goodnessgracie]

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons ... (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) ... and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

[Jerry D]

To funny

WYOMING STATE TROOPERS - GOTTA LOVE THEM BOYS!!!!! IN MOST OF THE NORTHERN STATES, THERE IS A POLICY OF CHECKING ON ANY STALLED VEHICLE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN THE TEMPERATURES DROP IN THE SINGLE DIGITS OR BELOW. ONE MORNING IN MARCH 2004 ABOUT 3 A.M. A WYOMING STATE TROOPER RESPONDED TO A CALL OF A CAR OFF THE SHOULDER ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE TOWN OF CASPER.

THE TROOPER LOCATED THE CAR, WITH THE ENGINE STILL RUNNING, STUCK IN THE DEEP SNOW ALONG SIDE THE HIGHWAY. PULLING IN BEHIND IT WITH HIS EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON, THE OFFICER WALKED TO THE DRIVER'S DOOR TO FIND A MAN PASSED OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL AND A NEAR EMPTY BOTTLE OF VODKA IN THE SEAT BESIDE HIM.

THE TROOPER TAPPED ON THE WINDOW AND THE DRIVER WOKE UP, SEEING THE ROTATING LIGHTS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THE STATE POLICEMAN STANDING NEXT TO HIS CAR, THE MAN PANICKED. HE JERKED THE GEARSHIFT INTO DRIVE AND HIT THE GAS. THE CAR'S SPEEDOMETER WAS SHOWING 20-30-40 THEN 50 MPH BUT IT WAS STILL STUCK IN THE SNOW.

THE TROOPER, HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR, BEGAN RUNNING IN PLACE NEXT TO THE SPEEDING, BUT STILL STATIONARY, CAR. THE DRIVER WAS TOTALLY FREAKED,THINKING THE OFFICER WAS ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HIM. THIS GOES ON FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS WHEN THE TROOPER YELLED AT THE MAN ORDERING HIM TO "PULL OVER!" THE DR IVER OBEYED, TURNED HIS WHEEL, AND STOPPED THE ENGINE.

ONCE OUT OF THE CAR THE DRUNKEN DRIVER ASKED ABOUT THE TROOPER'S SPECIAL TRAINING AND JUST HOW HE COULD POSSIBLY RUN 50 MPH. THE MAN WAS ARRESTED, STILL BELIEVING THAT A TROOPER HAD OUTRUN HIS CAR.

[goodnessgracie]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion; so, I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So, I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl
with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on
the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big boobs.

[goodnessgracie]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

[goodnessgracie]

Here's a touching pet story for ya:

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't
think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No
matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the
feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied
anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury,
and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to
my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially,
the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast
when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come
reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the
shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and
sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then,
"C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that
my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about
how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under
sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing
me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who
discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me
as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment
when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with
the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option.

I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up
into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully
impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding
oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a
group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct
their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical
laughter... and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where
colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my
head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

[SuperScout]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, we were all over each other and just when I was ready to pound nails through two inch plywood she looks up at me and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that lady knows I'm smarter than her.




.

[revwardoc]

Subject: Prison vs work

If you ever get these two environments confused, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON......you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10cell.
AT WORK........you spend the majority of your time in an8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......you get three meals a day.
AT WORK.........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you're often required to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON.........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you're not supposed to even speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the
taxpayers.
AT WORK...........you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.

IN PRISON ........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they're called managers.


IN PRISON.....you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Have a Good Day at Work!

[SuperScout]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead.could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."



An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking we went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."