Favorite Recipes

[JeffL]

As my first contribution to this site during a holiday season, please accept one of our favorite family recipes for a great Thanksgiving turkey!

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HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

1. Go buy a turkey.
2. Take a drink of whiskey.
3. Put the turkey in the oven.
4. Take 2 more drinks of whiskey.
5. Set the oven to 375?.
6. Take another drink of whiskey.
7. Turn the oven on.
8. Have 4 more shots of whiskey.
9. Turk the bastey.
10. Whiskey another bottle of get.
11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
12. Glass yourself another pour of whiskey.
13. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14. Take the oven out of the turkey.
15. Floor the turkey on the drop.
16. Have another shot of whiskey.
17. Turk up the pickey flom the froor.
18. Turk the carvey.
19. Open another bottle of whiskey.
20. Tet the shable and pour yourshelf a glass of turkey.
21. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

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I'm only trying to help! Here's wishing everyone a happy holiday season! And share some of your favorite holiday recipes!!!!!




Never drink downstream from the herd.
Jeff

[janecallanan]

I like it better without the turkey.

[Stick]

Jeff,
I was really getting kinda hungry but definitely getting thirsty until you got to "#20. Tet the shable."
Damn troops, where's my M-60?

[janecallanan]

Jeff...you might want to try this one as well.

Fruit Cake

With the holidays coming, here's a fruitcake recipe that will help take the stress out of this normally stressful time:



Ingredients:

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2cups dried fruit
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
3 oz lemon juice
1 cup nuts
1 gallon Smirnoffs Vodka

First, sample the vodka to check for freshness.
Take a large bowl.
Check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality. You know we can not trust those Russians.
Pour 1 level cup of the vodka and drink it.

Repeat.

Repeat again.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add water, eggs and 1 tsp sugar and beat again.
Make surr the vodka is still OK.
Cry another tup.
Turn off mixers.
Chuck in the cup of dried fruit or something.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets struck on the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewsciver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsistancity.
Next, sniff two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the vodka.
Now sniff the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table spoon of sugar or something. Whatever.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Whip the bowl out the window.
Check the vodka again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes $%^&*! fruitcake anyway?

[SEATJERKER]

...sound's like,(hic), ya all been readin mah kook books again...

...feel freed to sub t tute any form of distillery produck into these fine recesipees as kneaded, one isa asa gooda asa de utter...

...drank you fer de smile dis mornin'...

[Wazza]

I don't care whose cooking I just want an invite!!!!

[janecallanan]

Consider yourself invited. Never knew of a thanksgiving where there wasn't enough food for ten times the people attending. And I HATE turkey soup! Beencooking today and am too drunk to write much more.

[janecallanan]

Chocolate Cake

Line 1.
Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)

Line 2.
Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.

Line 3.
Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.

Line 4.
Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.

Line 5a.
Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.

Line 5b.
Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.

Line 5c.
Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.

Line 6.
Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.

Line 7.
Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.

Line 8.
Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.

Line 9.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)

Line 10.
Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m "For the Birds."

Line 11.
Add vanilla.

Line 12.
In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.

Line 13.
Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).

Line 14.
Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."

[Keith_Hixson]

I'm so confused!

Keith

[philly]

Are there open invitations to this fine dining? This is what you call good old fashion home cook'n.