Evening Humor

[SuperScout]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you
three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time, BRING POSSE!"

Very good loved it Super scout, hell the lone ranger isn't even sacred any more.

[reconeil]

Awe-come-on,...Robert.
You begrudging The Lone Ranger having
a little: "POSSE" now & then?
Where's the harm? "Man does not live on bread alone".

Neil

P.S. All of You,
Thanks for some truly good chuckles, here.

[goodnessgracie]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and
one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out
of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his
buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority,
figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such
a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the
cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says, "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like
they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up,
slapped my wife on the ass and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a
great morning for either sex or golf", and she said,
"Take a sweater."

[goodnessgracie]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency
room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the
blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit
suicide by shooting your finger off? " "No, Silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid
$6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the
chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth,
and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm
not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my
ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my
finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[goodnessgracie]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.



On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.



While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."



The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"



"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.



On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."



The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"



The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[SuperScout]

A nice, calm, and respectable looking lady walked into the pharmacy. She went right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

At that point, the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[DeadlyDaring]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,'
the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!'

[colmurph]

Billy Bob is sitting on his porch overlooking the bayou one morning and sees his neighbor Jeb poling his pirogue down stream. Watcha doin Jeb? he yells and Jeb says I gots me some Duck Tape and I'm gwine to go catch some ducks! Billy Bob replies ' You ijut...can't ketch ducks with duck tape! But two hours later Jeb poles back up with his pirogue full of ducks.
The next day Bily Bob spots him and says "watch you got today?" and Jeb says "gots me some cats and iz gwin cat fishin!" Billy Bob says "ijit!, cant catch cat fish with cats!" but sure enough 2 hours later Jeb poles back up the bayou with a oat load of catfish.

The next morning when Billy Bob ses him he says "What you got today?" and Jeb answers "I gots some pussy willow." and Billy Bob says "Hold on, I'll get my hat!"

[DeadlyDaring]

Maybe a wee bit ruff for the inocent

The VOODOO PENIS
A London businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!'

The husband said 'The what'?
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anythin g to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me...'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my arse...!'
The rest, as they say, is history....