heh heh heh

[SgtBlake]

Thanks Roger, that should get a few chuckles from our Army Brothers

[thedrifter]

Dave, a farmer in Kentucky, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident)
to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Dave.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer.


Dave responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the
question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
accident?"

Dave said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
was
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman
on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him
to
simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Dave's answer and said
to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule,
Bessie."

Dave thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had
just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in
terrible shape just by her groans.

"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. "After he looked
at her
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked
at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'"

Sempers,

Roger

[QuangTri-FO]

Hey Guys,
....FATHERS DAY is about here..... last Sep es OCT my son was in the Mid-east. He's been in a while...but this $th was going to be his first leave back to see ole dad... Now he will still get to come on the 4th... but will have to be back ...well they cut his leave to 4 days ....and he'll then be sent to__________
( a real nasty place....aaaah )
SO ....NOW I KNOW HOW MY FATHER FELT !
....but at least we surviver to become fathers ! ha ha ha
....SO HAPPY FATHERS DAY, THOSE THAT HAVE SONs and
DAUGHTERS in the Mil ....Tell them THANKS for me.
Carl tnrebelin@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/tnrebelin/DMZ-FO.html
.................................................. .................................................. .....

[thedrifter]

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on
the back of the credit card. She informed me that she
could not complete the transaction unless the card
was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it
was necessary to compare the signature I had just
signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in
front of her. She carefully compared the signature to
the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he
didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in
your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would
I know?" He smiled knowingly and added, "That's why
we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with a coworker of mine when
she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she
responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who
was leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was
spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not
turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my EX-WIFE and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied,
"I know - I already got that side."

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Three blondes are sitting in a bar chanting "51 days."

After a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, for the past 3 hours you have been sitting here chanting 51 days. Why?"

The blondes stop chanting and look up.

"Well," says one of the blondes, "we just finished a puzzle."

"So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked.

"Well, the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 51 days,"

Sempers,

Roger

[SgtBlake]

[thedrifter]

Good One Gary......


Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as
far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the
box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if
we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the
translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood
belief.)

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
ambiguity...A few statements to ponder... George Carlin
Quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still
wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be
able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go
back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still
#2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to
do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
them?

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15
lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is
****!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his
back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched
18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good ****!"

A Marine lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand,
after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching
25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This
really is great ****."

A Navy SEAL, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a
swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after
jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12
miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp,
then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp,
says, "I love this ****."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office,
and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of **** is this?"

Sempers,

Roger


____________

[thedrifter]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Who's clock is that? "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life. " "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Sempers,

Roger