Some Therapy

[frisco-kid]

I've been adding stanzas onto this for a couple of months now as the mood hit. Mostly therapeutic. It kind of took on a life of it's own. For the first 8yrs. after I got out of the army, like many of us, I had trouble adapting to The World and processing what I had been through. Actually, I now know it started between my two tours. However, I can't blame all of my problems and feelings on VN. As the poem reflects, I wasn't the happiest kid around all of the time. But this is just me. We've all had to make our own journeys through Life, and Life has a tendency to affect each of us differently. Some of us aren't able to stop the downward spiral that Life, particularly the war part of our life, sends some of us into. Fortunately, through a patient, loving family, particularly my wife, and the magic of pharmaceuticals, I've been able to come to terms with my past. And, like the poem says, with the help of God, whoever or whatever I perceive Him to be. And, not least of all, with the help of all of you. You guys have been more instrumental in my well-being than I can ever relay to you. Just know that I'm grateful, and am proud to be counted amongst you as an equal.

God? Are You Here With Me?

I hear the Ol? Man stagger in,
And I know there will be another fight.
I pull my covers up to my chin,
Trying to swallow my fright.
God? Are You here with me?

I walk down the crowded, fog-shrouded street;
My loneliness does largely loom.
With each step forward of my feet,
I?m thinking of the security of my bedroom.
God? Are You here with me?

I have to go live with my uncle and aunt;
Mom can?t afford to keep us all here.
I want to protest, but then, again, I can?t;
Mom changing her mind is a subtle fear.
God? Are You here with me?

Once again I?m the new kid at school;
I don?t have a single friend.
This is not the exception, but the rule;
I can?t recall how many I?ve had to attend.
God? Are You here with me?

The Ol? Man is off the booze,
But I wonder if it?s for good.
Once again, our security we?re about to lose;
We are leaving the neighborhood.
God? Are You here with me?

The suburbs are nice,
But I have to get away.
I need independence at any price;
I?ve never been able to stay.
God? Are You here with me?

There?s a war being fought,
And I want to go fight.
It?s for adventure being sought.
A selfish reason; not necessarily right.
God? Are You here with me?

The training is specific;
They are teaching me to kill.
For some the idea is horrific;
But when the time comes, I KNOW that I will.
God? Are You here with me?

I learn to jump from a plane in flight;
I?m one of the elite few.
Do I look forward to the fight?
I believe I do.
God? Are You here with me?

I finally get to the war,
And see that it?s serious stuff.
Inside I?m nervous to the core;
Jesus, these troopers look old, hardened, and tough.
God? Are You here with me?

Then, the night that haunts me still;
The troopers to my left and right are dead.
To grow old, they never will;
One is shot in both legs, the other in the head.
God? Are You here with me?

I leave the war different from the way I came;
Now I?M old, hardened, and tough.
I know nothing for me will ever be the same;
My eyes have seen violence and death more than enough.
God? Are You here with me?

I try to act like everything?s cool,
But I?m back in the war each night.
The dreams are vivid and cruel;
I sometimes cry out with fright.
God? Are You here with me?

Now I have a wife,
And we?re going to have a child.
But they?re sending me back to possibly lose my life;
My emotions are running wild.
God? Are You here with me?

I?m back to playing the same old games;
Search And Destroy, and I?m a team member.
I see good men die, but I forget their names;
Sanity is fragile if I try too hard to remember.
God? Are You here with me?

I?m finally going home for life,
And I?m getting out of the service.
Soon I?ll be in the loving arms of my wife.
This is good, so why am I so nervous?
God? Are You here with me?

God, You got me home okay,
But what did you save me for?
I?m having trouble day to day;
I feel my happiness slip away more and more.
God? Are You here with me?

I feel like my life is sinking;
I?m almost always sad.
I try to keep it afloat by drinking,
But I often convert to mad.
God? Are You here with me?

I think I miss the adrenaline of war,
But I don?t want to admit it.
That would explain things a little more;
Why I sometimes feel like a misfit.
God? Are You here with me?

And so it goes for several years;
Trying to cope with the sadness.
I sometimes burst into tears,
Scared that I?m sinking into madness.
God? Are you here with me?

And then the turn-around;
I lose part of my hand.
I know it has a drastic sound,
But it?s needed to test my sand.
God? Are You here with me?

For three years they rebuild me;
Both in body and in mind.
To my sanity I find the key;
It?s an eye-opening find.
God, maybe You are here with me.

The injury is a blessing in disguise;
It was something that was needed.
It magnifies my family?s ties;
It brings me the balance for which I pleaded.
God, maybe You are here with me.

I now realize why You had me live;
That You were always there with me.
It?s because I have something to give;
And You gave me the strength to see.
God, You are here with me.

I have a deep love to give my wife;
Also for my daughter and son.
It?s my place to give them a good life;
Much harder than to take one with a gun.
God, You are here with me.

I now know You put me to the test;
To ultimately make me strong.
You know that I can only do my best;
And sometimes I?ll do it wrong.
God, You are here with me.

And so it?s gone through the years;
I?ve come to terms with my past.
I still sometimes look at it through tears;
But I dwell more on when life was a blast.
God, You are here with me.

No, I don?t do it alone;
I have help carrying my rucksack.
A loving wife helps silence the ghost?s moan;
And a few friends, both living and dead, that still covers my back.
And You, God, who I now know was always there with me.

Tom

[goodnessgracie]

That's so beautifully honest. Thanks!

Miss you...

[Stick]

Thanks Tom. Someone's pealing onions.

[DMZ-LT]

Wow that was right on target for a lot of us. Thank you Tom. See you on the mountain next year. Brothers in Arms. Sticks onion is drifting through here too.

For the longest time I felt God desereted me, and I thrived on anger and booze. Thank God October 30, 1987, I started to turn the corner and first gave up the booze, and finally realized that I had deserted GOd with my anger.