Humor

[David]

Navy Humor below

[David]

In a small town near Washington, DC, a barber opened his shop for business. A young enlisted Marine comes in to get a "high and tight". The barber asked the young Marine about his service, and a lot of small talk takes place. After the haircut is complete, the Marine opens his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house Marine. Thanks for your service to this great nation." The next morning as the barber goes to open his shop, there is a box on his doorstep. In the box was a note of thanks and a "SEMPER FI" bright red T-shirt.

That same morning a young Army G.I. comes in for a haircut. The same sort of story happens. They talk about the Army and other small talk. After the haircut is complete, the G.I. stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to our country." The next morning as the man is opening his barbershop, on the doorstep is a box with an Army ball cap and a thank you note.

That same day, a Navy Chief comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress blues. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen...small talk about the service. When the Chief goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, Chief, it's on the house. Thanks for your service to this great nation." You guessed it, the next morning, as the barber went to open his shop, there on his doorstep ... were three more Chiefs!

[David]

By the time the Chief pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - a Marine Gunny," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Chief assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the Chief came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time", said the Chief.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Chief explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[David]

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."

[David]

An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

[David]

A Mustang (Officer-former enlisted), retired after 35 years and realized a lifelong dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in Alaska. He invited an old Admiral friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the Mustang's new gun dog, "Chief". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best.

The Admiral offered to buy the dog at any price. The Mustang declined, saying that Chief was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he couldn't part with him. Six months later the same Admiral returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the Mustang breaking in a new dog.

"What happened to Chief?" he asked. "Had to shoot him," the Mustang replied. "Another old shipmate came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him 'Master Chief' ...after that, all the dog would do was sit on his butt and bark."

[David]

1. A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

2. A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."

3. A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."

4. A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

5. A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

[David]

A young Navy officer was in a serious car accident but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually became an Admiral. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the new Admiral was interviewing three young men for the position of his personal aide. The first officer was a Surface Warfare Officer (SWO) and it was a great interview. At the end the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young SWO answered, "Why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Fleet Support Officer, and she was even better than the first officer, and with a better file. The Admiral asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The Admiral threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Navy Chief Petty Officer. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the other two officers together. The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Chief said, "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Chief Petty Officer, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the Admiral asked.

The sharp witted Chief replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."

[David]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."

"You must be a Navy Chief ," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a Naval Officer."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

[David]

THE CHIEF IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

IN THE IMPOSSIBLE HYPOTHESIS THAT A SUBORDINATE MAY BE RIGHT, SEE ABOVE.

THE CHIEF DOES NOT SLEEP, HE RESTS.

THE CHIEF IS NEVER LATE, HE IS DETAINED ELSEWHERE.

THE CHIEF NEVER LEAVES WORK, HIS PRESENCE IS REQUIRED ELSEWHERE.

THE CHIEF NEVER READS THE PAPER IN THE MESS, HE STUDIES.

THE CHIEF NEVER GOES ON LIBERTY WITH HIS JUNIORS, HE CONDUCTS TRAINING SESSIONS.

WHOEVER CONFRONTS THE CHIEF WITH AN IDEA OF HIS OWN, MUST LEAVE WITH THE CHIEF'S IDEA.

THE CHIEF IS ALWAYS THE CHIEF, EVEN IN HIS SHOWER SHOES.