signs that you're too drunk

[SgtBlake]

http://www.ahajokes.com/fp043.html

[thedrifter]

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker's Soul

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all
of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their
dreams
would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is better that I drink
this
beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
liver."
* Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
* Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
sober.
* William Butler Yeats

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
* Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
* Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
* W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Henry Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of
the
time and have the time of your life.
* Michelle Mastrolacasa

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Stephen Wright

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
* Frank Zappa

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
* Benjamin Franklin

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
* Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
* Kaiser Wilhelm

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group.
* Anonymous

Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
From Doug Katcos

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Sempers,

Roger