Friends

[1CAVCCO15MED]

Even though I was not in the field, toward the end I had the same feelings. We had been hit a lot and I began to think they were after me personally. I slept in bunkers, culverts, slit trenches. I couldn't sleep in my own cot. A guy that had been out in the field and had three Purple Hearts decided to sleep in my bed and was killed by a rocket. Every place I went clearing country before going home got hit while I was there, all of them hitting close. I was clearing division at Phouc Vinh watching Neil Armstrong step down onto the moon when they walked some right straight at me. I finished watching from under my mattress on the floor. I went out of country at the 90th Repl Depot. It was hit the night before I got on the freedom bird. When I got home I guess I was in a constant state of rocket attack for several months. The only way I finished having these feelings was to just say, "OK, you bastard, come and get me!" I still do that.

Over there, so very many slipped out of my hands and driftedaway from me. That is the loneliest feeling in the world. You get two guilts with every one. One is you didn't do enough. The other is that he got to go on and you have to stay here. You feel guilty for envying the dead. The miracle of the Wall for me is to be completely overwhelmed with ALL THOSE NAMES and to realize that the only one hurting is the one standing in front of it. Then comes this immense feeling of love and healing. 50,000 is a lot to die but it is also a lot to send you love and understanding all at once.

[DMZ-LT]

Damn sandstorms. I ain't that far yet Fred but I am movin. Sid and my PTSD group are coming to the campout in a DAV van.

[Andy]

There are lots of ways of getting survivors guilt. Can't say that one is better than another, we have the same demons. Can't say, "get over it", the brain doesn't work that way.

My last nine months in Vietnam we worked with the 716th MP's. On a regular basis someone would drop a dime and we'd hit a house full of AWOLs. They would usually go to LBJ and after a month or two there, they were begging to go back to their unit. I don't ever recall hearing about a real case of an AWOL who made it out of country. If it was his time to die, it was his time - people died in LBJ.

I also heard people say they were going AWOL while they were on R&R. All the ones that I knew came back. Sometimes when a guy said he had a feeling and wanted out it was just his "Man's way" of saying, "I'm really afraid". Sometimes men have a hard time saying those words.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Stay healthy,
Andy

[Bill Farnie]

Ron,
My heart goes out to you and I understand how you feel. Try to be at peace with yourself and realize that you had absolutely no control over the life of your friend whether you told him yes on going AWOL or not.

[Desdichado]

Ah guilt. Endless, conscience-poking guilt. Terrible thing, ain't it?

I signed up for a tour extension to shorten my Army time. The Army, being the model of efficiency it is and was, lost it, so I ended up going home anyway. Then they found it and wanted to send me BACK.

And then I got that very feeling you described. I just KNEW if I went back there, I wouldn't be comin' home again. So I took the hard way out. (And anyone who says runnin' away isn't the hard way, never ran).

Well, I'm alive. Dishonorably discharged, no benefits ever, the mark of a coward on me in the eyes of many, and a good up-close view of the inside of Leavenworth to fondly reminisce over. But I'm alive.

And all the while since I have this guilt. Did I do right? Did someone else take my place and not come home? Am I a coward? Nagging guilt.

So you see, even your friend had run like I did, there would still be guilt. The only difference is it would be his and not yours. You wouldn't really wish that on him, would you?

[1CAVCCO15MED]

I have said if I had to do it over again I would go back. This is after decades of soul searching. But the day I went home I would not have taken all the money in the world to stay one more day.

[39mto39g]

Maybe you are taking what I said the wrong way, Gary was a good friend, I would make exceptions for him, but not to many other people, Yes this is hipocridical, so.
In your case, you made the dissison and you paid for your actions. If I were you I would concider the thing done with. Now telling these guys that you were a deserter and AWOL from VN is not a real good idea, but then, telling is the first step to getting over it.
If I ran into you on the street, I wouldn't even talk to you, If you worked for me I would fire you.

Ron

[DMZ-LT]

Once was enough for me. Welcome home. We all did what we thought we should be doing. We need to forgive ourselfs.

[Desdichado]

Originally posted by 39mto39g

If I ran into you on the street, I wouldn't even talk to you, If you worked for me I would fire you.

Well, let's hope neither happens. As far as I'm concerned I did as much as most and more than some and not as much as some others. I'm content. If my presence here offends anyone, I'm happy to vacate the premises. Just have to tell me.

[SEATJERKER]

...you did one tour, thought about a second,...

...you have nothing to be ashamed of, nor do you have to report to anyone, especially here,...

..."Welcome Home",...

...From one who wasn't there,...

...