heh heh heh

[thedrifter]

Of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just theory, it's provable fact:

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a Captain, gives his Marines a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the mess room.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"

[thedrifter]

In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:
HAIRCUTS:
Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:
Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:
Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army-one hot meal, 2 MREs.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:
Marines-none.
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:
Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. SGT Smith).
Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."
Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:
Marines-medals & badges are awarded for acts of gallantry & bravery.
Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy-will have ships' engineers make medals for them as needed.
Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:
Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship.
Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to your sailors.
Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and gray service chevrons and name tapes on them. They will also get newly designed and personally tailored uniforms to replace the airline pilot coats they have now.

CAREER FIELDS:
Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army-doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the Air Force early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

[thedrifter]

PECKER FALLING OFF....

On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend
his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in
Hong Kong.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very
weird, green, festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Doctor Jones, who, after hearing of
his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he
had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete
amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.

Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.

Doctor Smith said, 'I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct.
We must amputate right away.'

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he
visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the
time.

He went to Doctor Chu Wong.

Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but
said, 'These Western doctors - so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop.
Amputation not necessary'

Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, 'You wait three weeks
and it fall off on its own.'

[thedrifter]

The young Marine Lieutenant approached the crusty old Sergeant Major and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officers? insignias.
"Well, Lieutenant, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a 1st Lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make Captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.

As a Colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

[Tamaroa]

Three men go into a bar, a Frenchman, German and an Irishman. They all order beers. the beers come but immediately a fly lands in each of them.

The French man cries Mon dieux, I cannot drink that beer, get me another. The German just flicks out the fly with his fingers and drinks it down. The Irishman grabs a hold of the fly by its wings, turns it upside down and yells, "Spit it Out, Spit it Out!!!"



Bill

[janecallanan]

Goooooo Irish. Now that man knows how to do it right! LOL

[Advisor]

Sixth Grade Research
>> =====================
>>
>> 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
>> hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of
>> the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
>>
>> 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
>> unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
>> Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
>> He died before he ever reached Canada.
>>
>> 3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
>>
>> 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them
>> we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is
>> a female moth.
>>
>> 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
>> people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
>> of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
>> decline.
>>
>> 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
>> biscuits, and threw the java.
>>
>> 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
>> Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
>> was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee,
>> Brutus."
>>
>> 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by
>> Bernard Shaw.
>>
>> 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
>> success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
>> shouted "hurrah."
>>
>> 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
>> Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
>> Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
>> Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
>> cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised
>> the world with a 100-foot clipper.
>>
>> 11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
>> Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
>> birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because
>> of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies,
>> all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an example of a
>> heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
>>
>> 12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
>> Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was
>> John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died
>> and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
>>
>> 13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
>> Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
>> were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
>> Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards
>> and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
>> Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
>>
>> 14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
>> Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
>> which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the
>> slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night
>> of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
>> his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
>> They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly
>> insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
>>
>> 15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
>> a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
>> spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
>> the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
>> so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half
>> English. He was very large.
>>
>> 16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
>> deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even
>> when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
>> and later died for this.
>>
>> 17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
>> and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
>> reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
>> network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
>> McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
>> Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
>> a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
>> discovered radio.
>> And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers

[thedrifter]

A Doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a
baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to
respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived,
everything seemed to be going well.

As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts".
And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he yelled,

"Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run
was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into
applause
and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the
star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all
started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well......the doctor decided to go get a
beer and a hotdog.........leaving his assistant in charge. When he
returned,
there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked,
"What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Everything was going just fine until this guy
walked by and yelled...... "PEANUTS"

[thedrifter]

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking Gunny at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
"1956," was his immediate reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

[thedrifter]

A young Marine officer was in a car accident, but due to the heroics of another young officer the only permanent injury was to both ears, which were subsequently amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became a General. He remained, however, very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the new General was interviewing three young officers for the position of his personal aide. The first officer was a Artillery Officer and it was a great interview. At the end the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young artilleryman answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

The General got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Supply Officer, and she was even better than the first officer, and with a better file. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, you have no ears."

The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Tank Officer. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the other two officers put together. The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Tanker said, "Yes, you wear contact lenses."

The General was impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant young officer, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that?" the General asked.

The Tanker replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freakin? ears."