heh heh heh

[thebrad]

!

[thebrad]

!!

[Tamaroa]

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up
for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening
in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him,
so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that shit"

[JeffL]

Who IS that behind those Foster Grants???????? :cd: :cd: :cd:

[sfc_darrel]

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house..........and left it there all night.

[thedrifter]

fighter pilot, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island after being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle: a perfect night for romance! Well, soon that pig started looking better and better to the fighter pilot, so he leaned toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the fighter pilot, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in pretty bad shape when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

The fighter pilot started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned toward the girl and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[thedrifter]

Resume Time

An employment recruiter ("headhunter") inadvertently sent a letter to an A-10 pilot requesting his resume. His actual reply follows the letter of request:

Dear Sir:

I am a recruiter in Dallas that specializes in placing students from key universities in the positions they desire to be in with my clients across the nation. I work with companies of all sizes and industries.

I received your name from several other members of the "Association of Former Students" here at Texas A&M University that I am currently working with. Feel comfortable that your information is confidential with my company. I would like to discuss whether you are currently in the market or even keeping your eyes open for the right opportunity. I would like to see a current copy of your resume to see what
opportunities that you may be perfect for. Please send your resume via e-mail or fax to my attention, and I will follow up with you in the next few days to determine your level of interest.

I thank you in advance for your response. Please e-mail me back at xxxxxxx@odellrecruits.com" , or call me direct at (800)880-xxxx, Ext. #395.

Sincerely,

Aaron McCartney, Senior Recruiting Consultant
Odell & Associates
------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. McCartney:

This is in response to the email you sent me regarding your services as a recruiter. Currently, I am employed as a US Air Force Fighter Pilot flying A-10 Thunderbolts for the 25TH Fighter Squadron, Osan AFB, Republic of Korea.

My contract with the USAF does not expire until 2006. Here are some of my qualifications nonetheless, just in case any of your clients are need of someone with my expertise:

1. The ability to employ my aircraft, the feared A-10 Warthog, as one of the most capable ground attack/CAS platforms in the world.

2. Protect South Korea from communist hordes led by the Great Pornographer, Kim Jung Ill.

3. Drop cluster munitions from 10,000 feet onto unsuspecting DANKS (dumb ass North Koreans) and send 202 individual bomblets of wrath and fury into their starving, bloated, pink bodies.

4. Take a 6000 foot slant range Forced-No-Solution High-angle gun shot and kill troops in their wimpy little APC's with reckless abandon. (Do you have any idea, Mr. McCartney, what a 30mm Armor Piercing Incendiary round that is as long as your forearm does as it boars through a tank's walls like Jell-O? Let me tell you, it's not pretty.)

5. Get wicked-ass-drunk at the Officer's club on Friday nights, smokin' big fat Cuban cigars (this is Korea, not the US), drink Gin and Tonics like water, throw furniture off the roof, say 'f*ck' a lot, and **** off all the wives and hapless souls who hate our guts because they are not fighter pilots.

Mr. McCartney, I have no idea how to "hold a meeting," "do a memo," "take a lunch," "think outside the box" or even sit behind a desk for that matter. I only eat, sleep, fly, and drink. I am an instrument of national policy the likes of which your clients probably have never seen. I would just as soon detonate a 500 pound Mark 82 Air Burst 20 feet above a DANK playground than wander through some corporate office blabbering about business plans and the latest episode of Ally "eat a friggin sandwich" McBeal.

Thank you for your letter and please let me know if any of your associates show interest in my capabilities. I look forward to hearing from you.

[thedrifter]

RULES FOR ENTERING TEXAS
The following list of rules applies to each person as they enter Texas:

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

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2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

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3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells.

That's what they smell like to you.

They smell like money to us.

Get over it.

Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south.

Pick one.

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4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car.

We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.

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5. So every person in every pickup waves.
It's called being friendly.

Try to understand the concept.

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6. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi," too. We got over it.

*****! **************************************************
***************

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

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8. Yeah, we eat catfish, and crawdads.

You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

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9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.

It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

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10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped...
by our women.

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11. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.

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12. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.

Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

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13. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices~ salt, pepper, and Tabasco sauce.

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14. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of it!
You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant.

You bring Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

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15. Yeah, we have sweet tea.

It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.
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16. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

*****! **************************************************
***************

17. Yeah, we have golf courses.

Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

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18. Colleges?

Try Texas A&M.

They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

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19. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!

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20. Our military is only used as a back up.

Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken an NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.

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21. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas"

GOD BLESS TEXAS!!!

[thedrifter]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
> Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
> Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
> The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three
> years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got
> pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and
> Earline got pregnant again.
> Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get
> pregnant again."Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this
> year that's different?"
> Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

[thedrifter]

Food Groups)

** Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. ** Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.

**Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. **

** To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk,
which is dairy. So, candy bars are a health food.

**
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Remember - - - "STRESSED"spelled backward is "DESSERTS"