Answers to Life's Great Questions

[Keith_Hixson]

As a therapist I wish people would stop asking me questions.
So I have provided the answers to many of life's major questions.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path (That's the Psyco vets path)

4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

5. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

6. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

7.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

8.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

9. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

10. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

11. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

12. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

13. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

14. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

15. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover Vacuum?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag. (SORRY ABOUT THIS PSYCO VETS)

16. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

17. How is a Texas Tornado And a Arkansas Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[b3196]

Keith
Can you recommend a good therapist?
Bob K

[Keith_Hixson]

I'm the best I know.
Now that ain't saying much.
Never had much use for them there therapists.

Keith

[Packo]

Keith!

Hey, I resemble that remark! Cute stuff....I'll try and explain it to Larry. (Sorry Larry, couldn't resist.)

Pack

[SuperScout]

You forgot one of the most theological answers to life's major questions:

Why did God make farts stink?

So deaf people can enjoy them as well!

[Stick]

OK Keith, now where do I get a good shrink?
My boomerang won't come back?

[b3196]

Keith
The therapist is not for me....its for you....
Why are manhole covers round?
A circle is the only object that wont fall through itself
Bob K

[Keith_Hixson]

Maybe Chris or Griz could take my place as a therapist.
Chris is always resisting the temptation to run over something.
Griz has no patience with liberals and threatens to shoot them.

Naw: You'd all be dead by now. Better stick with me.

Stick that means you. Boomerangs that won't come back are useless anyway. Go get another Stick or Sticks and keep throwing them until one comes back.

Keith

[revwardoc]

Steven Wright Humour

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff
had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates. His mind sees things
differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more
of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feels so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.