Afternoon Humor!

[goodnessgracie]

You may not know this, but many nonliving things have a gender:


1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the
right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air
part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to
the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't
you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to
push, he keeps trying.

[SuperScout]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."



His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.


MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful what you wish for!

[Boats]

Dentist


A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide
to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt
and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says, "Yes...how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they made love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing."

[SuperScout]

A guy is driving around Texas and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap."

[revwardoc]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck"

[revwardoc]

How blonde was SHE??

She was Sooooooooo Blond that...

She thought a quarterback was a refund. .....
She thought General Motors was in the army. .....
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. .....

At the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here", she wrote, 'Sagittarius'.

SHE WAS SO BLONDE...

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. .....
She sent a fax with a stamp on it. .....
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. .....
Under "education" on a job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE...

She tripped over a cordless phone. ........
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it said
"concentrate." ........
She told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk."
She asked for a price check at the everything for a Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE....

She studied for a blood test. ......
She sold her car for gas money. .....
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that read "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE...

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. .....
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. .....
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

And finally - SHE WAS SOOOOOO BLONDE... .....

She had a shirt that said TGIF, which she thought stood for "Tit's Go In Front."

[goodnessgracie]

Oh, dear!

Those are messed up!!! I bet the pickup line this babe hears most frequently is:

I'd like to f#*% your brains out, but apparently somebody beat me to it!!!

[SuperScout]

HOW TO INSTALL A POOR MAN'S SECURITY SYSTEM:

Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots ---a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it......a really big dog dish.

Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo - back in an hour. Don't disturb the Pit Bulls, they've just been wormed."

[Jerry D]

I like the teddy bear motion detector that barks like a pit-bull

[goodnessgracie]

Hafta share this one with you guys, errrr, I mean y'all:

What's the difference between Indian Yoga and Irish Yoga???