Afternoon Humor!

[revwardoc]

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing! said the Baptist. I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves! said the Mormon. I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

[revwardoc]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.



Don't Mess With Old Ladies

[revwardoc]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun.

After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance.

He said: "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned: if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Bill Clinton stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most intelligent of us three," and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.

Al Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three," and in an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next Presidential Campaign.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, I think...," and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

[Boats]

Can't get the picture only the link to it for some reason.

[Boats]

Sister sent me this one.

[SparrowHawk62]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"WHOA," the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and couldn't walk for a year."

[Zinzendorf]

What was Ted Kennedy's reply to Mary Jo Kopechne when she told him that she thought she was pregnant?

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

[SparrowHawk62]

My New Ford Truck

I just got my new Ford Pick up and returned to the dealer the next day
complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The
salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this"! He said "Nelson"!

The Radio replied "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie," he continued, and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say
"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said
"Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but
I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled "ASSHOLES!"

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and
Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums,
Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on booze.

Damn, I LOVE my truck

[Stick]

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None, it should be open when she brings it to you.
Q: Why is a laundramat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's an evolutionary thing. It allows them to stand closer to the kitchen stove and sink.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelegent?
A: When she starts the sentence with "A man once told me."
Q: How do you fix a womans watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
Q: Why do men fart more often than women?
A: A woman doesn't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

* Scientist have discovered a food that reduces a womans sex drive90%. It's a wedding cake.
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head, a beerbelly and still think that they're sexy.
* God made man first and then He made woman who proceeded in telling man what to do. Since then no one has rested and man has had to forget that "Seventh Day" thing.

[Boats]

Stick - I liked those - Thanks