A Little Humor for Everybody!

[SuperScout]

(At least for those that still have a sense of humor!)

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide, and find, your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. (Must live in Florida)

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age,
but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

-- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97! Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

[SuperScout]

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation (v): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

[b3196]

Old man walks into the doctors office......Doc asks whats wrong....
The old man says "All my friends are telling me I look terrible, but I feel ok". The Doctor gives him a exam and has no explaination as to why he looks bad. So the doctor gets out his medical books to look up the symptoms......
"Looks bad, feels bad" no thats not it...............
"Looks good, feels bad" no thats not it................
"Looks bad, feels good" Thats it!!!!!!!!!
The doctor looks at the old man and says "I know whats wrong"
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You're a vagina"!!!!!
Bob K

[Boats]

Geez Bob!! How's the Colts. The SOX are doing OK.

[b3196]

Boats
6-0 how about them Colts!!!!
Bob K

[Boats]

See what happens when your good!!!!

[SuperScout]

Our good Scot, Ian, was celebrating Robert Burns day, dressed in his finest regalia in the finest tradition of being a true Scot. Toward the end of the day, after enjoying way too many rounds of the Nectar of the Gods single-malt whiskey, he decides to lay down beside his car and take a nap rather than risk driving home in his inebriated condition.

Shortly two bonnie lasses stroll by, and seeing our supine Ian in his kilt and kit, decided to verify if he was a true Scot. Indeed he is, they discovered, whereupon one lass pulls a long blue ribbon from her purse, and proceeds to tie it around the appropriate site on our Ian.

After awakening from his short nap, our Ian feels a bit constricted, and lifting his kilt, sees the blue ribbon, all properly tied in a neat bow. "Well, laddie," he exclaimed, "I don't know where ye've been, but it looks like ye've won first prize!"

[revwardoc]

Here's an email my wife, an RN, sent me:

Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!