Military Primer, for fun and laughs!

[SuperScout]

- The Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."



More Losses........

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.

[revwardoc]

En tant que chirurgien r?gimentaire du 85?me Regiment de Saintonge ; Je ressemble ? ces remarques !

[Robert Ryan]

we we revwardoc what ever you said. something about a regiment.

[Seascamp]

Ha ha, Doc said his honorary regiment resembles those remarks. Ay sus, one has to have a sense of humor to hang out here, oui?

Scamp

[Jerry D]

Ahh! bet I know what happened to the French, to ultimately seal their fate, all the Britain's and Normans that left Normandy and Britney for England and didn't look back , A nice island separated by a channel of water makes a pretty good fortress to keep out Marauding bands of Vandals and Huns

[SuperScout]

... a friend forwarded a photo of a French spiper team, and they look like of couple auditioning for a remake of "Broke Bad Mountain." If I can figure out to link it to PF, I'll do it, and everybody else will get a great laugh!

[Seascamp]

?Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.?

Never figured this one out. Was it just pure foolishness and folly or a busy work placebo? During the time of construction; 1930-1935, land mobility and air power were the areas of rapid military development and Charles De Gaulle argued this point, but to no avail. Fossils like Petain were unapproachable and the project was obsolete before the first shovel full of dirt was dug out. One interesting argument for the Maganot Line is that the Ardennes Forest was claimed to be 'impassable'. Wrong!

During the combined German-Italian invasion of France, the Maginot line did stop the Italians but that is a historical so-what. Germany had flanked the line to the west and the Italians simply didn?t matter, non-players, as it were.

Scamp

[SuperScout]

Fast-forward to the 21st Century, and there are persistent rumblings about France being the lead-dog in the military forces that will ultimately separate the IDF from the terrorists. This sounds like so much "let me sell you a bridge in Kansas" line that I hope the Isrealis are keeping several options open, such as just shooting the Froggies for marksmanship training.

[Seascamp]

If the rumor about French troops comes to fruition, then we have the classic definition of ?equal opportunity?. France?s official, very public, and very foul-mouthed denunciation of Israel and their usual and historic contempt for Jews in general, arrives with the Tri-Color. Ta dot ta dot ta dot ta daaaaa.
To my knowledge, France is one of the few German occupied countries that formed special police units of Frenchmen that had the specific task of rounding up French Jews for delivery to the German killing factories. With that legacy, them IDF Lads had best watch their back and keep a sharp eye on Pierre the Adolph.

Then France and Hezbollah have been trading fender crashes since 1983 and no love lost there at all. Some 60 French solders died in the Marine barracks bombing and along the way there has been a badly bungled French assignation attempt against Hezbollah leadership, not a good story and lot?s of bad blood happening.

Scamp



An aside, there were WWII French Waffen SS units that did battle with the Russians on the eastern front.
Excellent book; ?The Forgotten Soldier? by Guy Sajer; one of the very, very, few survivors. His last passage is about being in a Mannheim POW camp, sitting in a muddy field and in a driving rain storm. A G.I. guard pitched him a packet of Kool-aid and that was just pure heaven to Sajer considering he?d come from pure hell on earth. He relates that that was the best thing that happened to him since being conscripted by the Germans.

Harper and Row, 1971.

[frisco-kid]

"... a friend forwarded a photo of a French spiper team, and they look like of couple auditioning for a remake of "Broke Bad Mountain." If I can figure out to link it to PF, I'll do it, and everybody else will get a great laugh!"

Yup. They can't fight their way out of a souffle, but they look purty .