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  #151  
Old 09-03-2003, 09:31 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Posts: 1,216
Default Speeding

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>
>Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
>Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
>Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
>Officer: Don't have one?
>
>Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
>Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
>Older Woman: I can't do that.
>
>Officer: Why not?
>
>Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
>Officer: Stole it?
>
>Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
>Officer: You what?
>
>Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
>see.
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
>for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
>officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half!
>drawn gun.
>
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps
>out of her vehicle.
>
>Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
>Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
>murdered the owner.
>
>Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
>Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The
>woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
>Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
>Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
>stunned.
>
>Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
>the officer.
>The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
>license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
>owner.
>
>Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
>
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  #152  
Old 09-07-2003, 11:58 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,216
Default deoderant problems.....

>
>
> A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for rectum deodorant.
>
> The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.
>
> Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
>
> "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
>
> "But I always get it here," says the blonde.
>
> "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.
>
> "Yes," said the blonde. "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the
container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
>
> Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
>
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  #153  
Old 09-15-2003, 10:36 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Posts: 1,216
Default The Final Frontier ?

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble
photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite
some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the
Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see lawyers rushing to the scene
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  #154  
Old 09-15-2003, 10:37 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Posts: 1,216
Default Time to go on a diet....

This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thing in 15 years."

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color is it now?"
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  #155  
Old 09-15-2003, 10:38 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Posts: 1,216
Default Asprin fer a headache....

> >
> >
> > A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky
> > > but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed
with
> > > her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her
> > > mouth.
> > >
> > > She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my
> > > mouth?"
> > >
> > > He says, "Two aspirin."
> > >
> > > She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
> > >
> > > He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear".
> >
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  #156  
Old 09-15-2003, 10:39 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Default Eighty and oversexed....

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
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  #157  
Old 09-20-2003, 11:53 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Default got milk....

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the
door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found
your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"


The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can
splash it in my eyes."
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  #158  
Old 09-23-2003, 08:20 AM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Default This is ugly....

>
> A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
> everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of
> the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each,
> before they enter paradise.
>
> They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
>
> I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
>
> The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
>
> Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
> while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts
> laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the
> floor, laughing his ass off.
>
> Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy
> calms down and says:
>
> "Make 'em all ugly again"
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  #159  
Old 10-10-2003, 08:40 PM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Default

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."
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  #160  
Old 11-05-2003, 01:18 AM
wrbones wrbones is offline
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Default I like this kid!

But I'd sure as hell keep an eye on him if he worked for me!

A Quick Thinker


A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from Canada!"

"Get outta here!!!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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