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Old 06-02-2020, 12:27 PM
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Talking Answer The Call Of Duty To Laugh Over These Hilarious Military Jokes And Puns

Answer The Call Of Duty To Laugh Over These Hilarious Military Jokes And Puns
By: Deirdre Kay - Scarry Mommy
Re: https://www.scarymommy.com/military-jokes/

Our service members love to bust on themselves and each other. Being in the military can be a tough job, so the ability to joke about your occupation is pretty much a necessity. So we’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of quips and puns about the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, and Coast Guard. Have you heard all these?

For All Military

1. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran.

2. As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure were a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”

3. How many guns do you need for a firefight?

Two. One for us to shoot and one for the US to sell to the enemy so he can shoot us back.

4. What do you call someone who just got run over by a tank?
Crunchy.

5. How different military branches use stars
The Army sleeps under the stars
The Navy navigates by the stars
And the Air Force choose hotels by the stars

6. What month do all troops hate?
March

7. A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent…

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room.

8. Why do military men often marry lovers from the foreign countries in which they’re deployed?

Because when they finally come home, they get to leave their in-laws thousands of miles away.

9. Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military?

He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.

10. Why was the sergeant mad when his son brought home an A in math?

He said he spent more time dividing than conquering.

11. How many officers does it take to start a jeep?

Five. How many NCOs does it take? Just one, because no matter how many of them you have, officers can’t do anything right.

12. What’s the difference between Aeroflot and a scud missile?

Aeroflut has killed more people.

13. A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.

“Where do you think you’re going, son?”

“Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scare and tried to go AWOL.”

“Who you calling “Captain?” I’m a general!”

“Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realized I’d run that far back.”

14. Where do Generals keep their armies?

In their sleevies.

15.The reason the branches all bicker among themselves is because they don’t speak the same language.

For instance, look at the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

16. What happened when the soldier went to the enemy bar?

He got bombed.

17. Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”

Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “No, SIR!”

18. A general is sitting in his jeep on the side of the road when a lieutenant pulls up, hops out and asks, “Car stuck?”

The general hands the LT his keys, slides into the LT’s jeep and says, “Nope. But, yours is.”

19. A drill sergeant grumbles at his fresh young trainee, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, Private.”

“Thank you very much, Sir,” replies the soldier.

20. Words of wisdom from the front lines:

The will coffee tastes better if the latrines are downstream from the encampment.

Air Force Jokes

21. How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He just hold it while the world revolves around him.

22. How do you play Air Force Bingo?

“A-10… B-52… F-16!”

23. What’s the difference between God and a Air Force pilot?

God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.

24. Emergency management:

“Always remember that if one engine fails on a dual-engine plane, you’ll still have enough power to safely reach the scene of the crash.”

25. Air Force Fact:

The only time you can have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

26. An Airman and a Marine walk into the restroom at the same time.

The Airman finishes up and heads out. When the Marine is finished, he washes his hands and then catches up to the Airman. “Hey, buddy. In the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.” The airman responds, “In the Air Force, they teach us not to pee on our hands.”

Many more onsite too many to post - good jokes for some kids as well.

Boats
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Boats

O Almighty Lord God, who neither slumberest nor sleepest; Protect and assist, we beseech thee, all those who at home or abroad, by land, by sea, or in the air, are serving this country, that they, being armed with thy defence, may be preserved evermore in all perils; and being filled with wisdom and girded with strength, may do their duty to thy honour and glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

"IN GOD WE TRUST"
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