Question about Alzheimers.

[melody1181]

For those that might have some insight.

At what point, if any, was the decision made to put your loved one in a nursing home?

I don't think the time is very close for my grandpa but we have to think about it at some time. I am going to have to start sleeping upstairs in the living room some nights to make sure he doesn't wonder. It would be different if we didn't have so many hazards(stairs mostly.) He has no license now, very hard with that. He thinks he doesn't need one. We had to get rid of his pick up(it didn't require a key) and he has no keys to the van.

You want to kiddie proof everything but you can't. He still has allot of moments of great clarity about the past. He remembers the War very well...as well as his childhood. Change also does a huge amount of harm, we just had the roof redone so that was a pain.

Any thoughts are appreciated a great deal!

[Tamaroa]

I feel for you more than you can ever imagine. My Dad had Alzheimers for about 8 years before he passed on due to Congestive Heart Failure. The time to decide whether or not he should be put in a home pretty much varies on ones physical condition. Dad lived at home for about 7 years before things got really really bad. Fortunately the VA hospital had an opening in their ward and since he was a WW2 vet he was eligible for a small fee of about 5,000 per year.

You have to do what's right for you and your family. Living with someone who has alzheimers is extremely stressful. My sister and I wound up going to counseling sessions. She is single, I am married with three kids. Naturally I couldn't spend the time with Dad that she could and she resented it for awhile. I gave up a week of my vacation each year so my mother and sister could go wherever they wanted on vacation and I would chase Dad all over the house. On weekends, I spent every Saturday there so they could have a day off to themselves. But one year, I switched it to Sundays instead of Saturdays because I bought Season tickets to Army football.

You would have thought the world ended because they wanted Saturday not Sunday off. I told them that I have a life too and that the kids wanted to go see Army football.

We waited until my Dad did not recognize any of us by name. Then he became violent. You had to be careful around him, because sometimes he would swing a fist if he thought you were in his territory. Once that started to happen, we looked in earnest for a place to send him and thank God, the VA had that slot open.

He was at the VA hospital for a year before he passed on. But they treated him pretty well and fed him well. We visited him every weekend. He smiled when he saw us so I think he may have recognized who we were even though he couldn't remember our names.

At any rate, I wish you the best of luck. It is not easy being a care giver for a dementia patient.

Regards,

Bill

[revwardoc]

Melody,

Putting a parent in a nursing home is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make in your life. My mother-in-law had Alzheimers and we were forced to put her in a home when she started wandering, but before that she would call my wife many times a day, leaving messages calling her a whore, a thief, and threatening to call the police because we were stealing her money (my wife had Power-of-Attorney over her affairs and banking accounts). The worst day was when she called 34 times in an 8 hour period. We copied the calls and played them for her doctor who strongly recommended a nursing home. She stayed there for 7 years until she passed away a year ago in April.

You should speak with your grandpa's doctor and his attorney about his health and legal affairs. Remember, you have your life to live, too. I know it sounds cold but its the truth.

[Keith_Hixson]

My Foster Mother and My Wife's Father had to be placed in a nursing home. Dementia is a terrible thing. My Foster Mother got to the place she couldn't remember anything. She didn't know us kids, she couldn't remember except the far into the past. She didn't recognize her Sister, her friends or us kids. It was time because she became a danger to herself.
When my father-in-law became so physically impaired that it required professional supervision we knew it was time to place him in a nursing home. When they become a danger to themselves and others and you can't protect them its probably time.
I have a strong dislike for nursing homes but they do have their place.

Do the best you can for as long as you can and you'll know the time. Then there will be no guilt.
My Foster Mother had Alzheimers and my Father in Law had dementia due to diabetes and strokes but there came a time they couldn't function without 24 hr professional help.

Keith

[reeb]

I do in fact know a little about the conditions, not because of my family . but REAL close friends of mine. As a matter of fact they are my Landlaords.

I moved in here about two years ago.

The people I rent from are real good friends from back in the early 70s.

The woman ( Pinky ) came down with a stroke that left her paralyzed on her right hand side and also made her mermory loss of present conditions and modern times.

Anyhow, Last January her Husband Guy got all the kids together and decided to put her into a nursing home. She is 64, he is 73.

Well, the kids ( all grown adults ) started to cry and carrying on like she had died.

They took her to a Nursing Home here in Troy that isnt very far from anyone ( even walking distance ).

Her husband Guy goes out each and every day at noon and 5PM and helps feed her.

This is the sad part, to date this womans kid havent even been out there to see her or help out in anyway.

This woman got so bad, that she threatened to killl herself and come back and kill her husband, and running out on the porch stark buck naked and leaving the droppings from her diapers on the floor and walking through themm. Now that is the time to admit someone, no matter what your true feelings are.

She has a brother out at the nursing home that has been there going on ten years with the same condition, and also lost a sister out there because of the same condition.

This is terrible, but to much to put onto a family member that cant or wont take care of the person. Know what I mean?

The law was here constantly because of her running ( walking around ) naked in public.

Comes a time in one persons life that it is very diffacult to make a decision, but in Guys decesion, he made the right one.

I hope you have better luck or ideas than most Nursing Homes do, be cause Nursing homes DONT REALLY CARE.....

enough....

reeb.....

[melody1181]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Its not an easy thing. It is though, rewarding. Like reeb said. Most nursing homes just don't care. There are a few cases where they do but it is rare. We have had family friends that were in the VA nursing home here and i'd be dammed before I let him go in there. Unless they get rid of few nurses. Just the Alzheimers/dementia ward. They are awful.

The way things are now, we hardly ever see one of there kids. Unless he needs something he never comes around. Allot of em just can't handle how my grandpa is. They have a hard time with it.

Thanks again everyone! I really apreciate it!

[Keith_Hixson]

Many times when a loved one becomes critically ill or overcome with dementia the close family members, children and siblings, often disappear. The main reason they pull back is they can't handle it emotionally. It isn't that they don't care but they just can't handle it well, it hurts too much. As one lady told me, "I'd rather remember my Mother as she was than what she has become."
I reality that is selfish thinking but I don't think they are necessarily bad folks and don't care but they are not living in reality and neglecting those who invested a lot time in them. The reality is we all grow old and we'll all suffer from some sort of dementia before we die. Pulling back is normal to a degree but not, in my opinion, ethical or facing aging with reality. Our parents brought us into this world, changed our diapers, made sure we survived until we got on our own, we owe them everything.

Keith

Keith

[melody1181]

Keith, your right. In most famalies that would ring very true. With most of my family it is that way. Part of me gets very mad that my mom and me are the ones who are the only ones who have to deal with the very hardest parts.

My only remaining uncle is mad at my grandparents. Yup, mad(I won't go into ugly details.) They are almost 83 and 88 years old. It makes me a little bitter to be honest because at this point my grandparents more resemble my children at the moment. I am very protective with them. I am starting to go to church Saturday evenings this week. I know I can't keep doing this with my current mind set. I need something to change. Its a new church start up.

Thanks Keith. I tried to respond to your pm at myspace. I rarely go there much anymore. It wouldn't let me so I gave up. I really thank you for that. It means allot