And now, the lighter side!

[SuperScout]

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.

There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things.

It was announced that the candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Michigan. There were to be no observers present and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the headquarters and he has 10 fish. Soon, Kerry, who has answers to everything, but no plan, returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day, George W. comes in with 20 fish and Kerry
comes in again with none.

That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Kerry and says, "I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way."

The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Clinton says to Kerry, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?" "He sure is, Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice."

[SuperScout]

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, along with ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

Whitey kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey's time, so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now
he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover.

But to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak so that it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and stroll on to the next one. Whitey was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair, and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result: The judges not only awarded Brewster the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also gave him the Pulletsurprise, as well.

Clearly, Brewster was a Democrat. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them?

[SuperScout]

Dan Rather of CBS news was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when Rather turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to Rather, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know" said Rather, "How about politics? Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?"

"OK" said Little Tommy, "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?"

"Jeez," said Rather, "I have no idea."

"Well then" said Little Tommy, "How is it you feel qualified to discuss who should run this country when you don't know shit?"

[SuperScout]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghani desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes.?

"The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man's table. The Jew said, "I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it," rasped the Arab. "But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."

[Jerry D]

Thanks for the postings' they were all "GREAT"

[SuperScout]

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a want ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."

On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you----you have no legs!

The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

[SuperScout]

Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking (about it) and vote that way. If you want to be a GOOD Democrat, however, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare them below and see how you rate...

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of Federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same school system that can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow the best qualified to teach those same kids all about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by Americans driving SUVs'!

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being
homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the U.S. military, not evil, tyrannical regimes, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is all about "progress" and not power. She just wants to help us out of the archaic system of governing that we've been subjected to since our founding.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail,
but a cheat, liar and sex offender belongs in the White House, and you would vote him back in there in a New York minute (if you could).

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag,
transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party funding by the
Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

21. You have to believe that the vociferous minorities who protest
against prayer and saluting the flag in school, the 10 commandments in court, have far more rights than the majority who believe in God and country and want these values to be instilled in our young children.

If you are locked in solidly to most of these beliefs, you're gonna be a big asset to John Kerry.

[reconeil]

Awe-come-on. This is: "The Lighter Side"?

Besides, why pick one of The ex-King Clinton's older consorts (re. Hillary)? After all, in her: "It Takes A Village" I think that socialism was explained very well. Well,...better than most Socialist Dems would admit actually wanting for America, anyway.

Neil

[Jerry D]

Thanks Superscout the punch line was great

[revwardoc]

http://www.newsmax.com/archives/ic/2...5/220242.shtml

Rohrabacher Pushes Schwarzenegger Presidential Amendment

Schwarzenegger for president in 2008? No, he's not eligible. Born in Austria, he's barred by the Constitution. But that would change under an amendment introduced Wednesday by a fellow California Republican.


Rep. Dana Rohrabacher's proposal would allow anyone who's been a U.S. citizen for 20 years to run for the nation's highest office. That would include Arnold Schwarzenegger, bodybuilder, movie star and now governor of California.

Schwarzenegger, who became a citizen in 1983, has said he supports amending the Constitution so foreign-born citizens can run for president. But he's sidestepped questions about whether he might want to run, saying he's focused on governing California.

Rohrabacher said in an interview that Schwarzenegger was doing a great job as governor, but his real aim was to open up the presidential process. "We've got some talented people who might be able to help our country and provide some much-needed leadership, and there's no reason if they've been a citizen for over 20 years to exclude them," he said.

Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, has introduced similar legislation in the Senate.

In remarks prepared for the House floor, Rohrabacher suggested that he really wanted to help a fellow California congressman, and a Democrat at that.

"This is no ploy. I honestly believe that Tom Lantos should be able to seek the highest office in the land, just like any other elected official," he said.

Lantos, 76 and born in Hungary, said he saw no need to amend the Constitution. "However, if the Austro-Hungarian Empire is re-established in the United States, I will invite Arnold Schwarzenegger to be my lieutenant," he said.

Constitutional amendments require passage by two-thirds of both the House and the Senate and then approval by three-fourths of the states.