me and mac and victor go to Mare Island

[exlrrp]

" is this a dagger whaich I see before me now?
The handle toward my hand? Come let me clutch thee--
I have thee not and yet I see thee still....
Hear not my steps which way theywalk for fear
The very stones prate of my whereabouts

(Macbeth)

I went up to the C&P exam in Mare Island yesterday, this to evaluate how nutty as a fruitcake I am, no doubt by the VA. This to extort money from them.
I love Mare Island, its the first time I been there in 30 something years, the last time to get paid while on leave. Its a big huge old shipyard--old, since the 19th century that used to be the biggest submarine repair facility. I love old military bases, I went down to Ft Ord last year and wanderd around there for hours.(did basic and AIT there) They have some grreat old Victorian buildings at MI a lot there just waiting to be restored--some of the buildings are being leased--be a great place for an art studio--anybody have the inside here?
You know, there's always times in life where the ol lrrpster wonders "Would a little dramatics help the situation here?" Like yelling "Incoming!!!!!!" and diving under the table or maybe lowcrawling into the office with sticks in my hat. Nothing as fun as a little political theater as I learned in Recondo School.
I figured if I told them all about the Corps of Retired Military Officers who were trying to silence me on the internet because I know the shocking true facts of the Vietnam war and the Savings & Loan Scandal, it'd help my case but I remembered in time about rigorous honesty. So I went with my teeth in. I did wear my red, white and Blue baseball hat with the jumpwings on em, but I'd wear that to a ballgame.
It went quick-by now, I have a regional head of the VA looking into this and a Congressman who said he'd do all he could if I ask. THAT aint too shabby. Pays to have a winning smile (store bought!)
So I sat there with this shink ( an Arab) and he ran through this check list of questions--was I anxiousnervousdysphoricsleepproblemsalcoholicdepre ssed/flashbackshperarousalirritiblityhypervigilanceunco ncentrationinsomnia??
Well, sorta, sometimes, on my bad days. I said All The Above.
Then he asked me about a circumstance that happened to me in the war that I think about that may have caused the PTSD. and so I told him about Victor, the 3 sentence version.
I talked about this over on vets.com and was accused of bragging so if thats what youre going to say about it this time too, I say in advance: Fck You! Sometimes a lrrp is telling and it sounds like bragging but that just goes with the territory.
I walked up and stabbed a sleeping man in the war, stabbed him 3 times in the heart. My 2 friends, Samuelson and Stuart, beat his friend , also sleeping, into insensiblity, then we called for evac and
dragged him back to an LZ and got the hell on out of there.
It was the only prisoner we took in that team, others got 2 or 3--one was enough for me. This was not the only sleeping man I killed, tho the only one with a knife--if that sounds like bragging to you then youre a pervert.
We'd plotted it out beforehand and watched them for about a half an hour. I stabbed him because if I'd used the silenced weapon I would have got them both. Did I say there were other NVA not that far away?
This is one of the things Ive wondered all my life--was that real?--did I really do that--was I really like that?
I see this now as the most unreal thing I ever did and when I read Macbeth I knew that Shakespeare really had it. Macbeth is standing in front of Duncans door, knife in hand, trying to work up the nerve to kill a sleeping man--he's a brave soldier, if nothing else but its not about bravery, its about thinking, Oh, Jesus, how did I get into this one?? And the realisation that the only way out of this is straight ahead.

" But screw your courage to the sticking place and we'll not fail!!"
(Lady Macbeth)

What Macbeth is going through is the PTSD from Hell
" Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased
Pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow
Raze out the written troubles of the brain?
And with some sweet oblivious antidote
cleanse the stuft bosom of that perilous stuff
which weighs upon the heart"
MAcbeth sees the ghost of Banquo and the ol lrp still sees the ghost of Victor--its not like "I see dead people" but I'll see that face in a crowd sometimes and then I just have to get away, I can't look at it. I quit a job once because some one there looked just like him. Does the military owe me money for this? I don't know and I don't care. The question is will they pay me for this. This I intend to find out. The shrink said he was diagnosing me with PTSD, his exact words.

I came home sat down and read the whole play again yesterday. Shakespeare could have written my life:
"James, Prince of Berkeley"

[SEATJERKER]

...No disrespect intended...

...It's not about weather, or not the Va. is going to pay you for your experiences...

...It's about coming to grips with the experiences that you faced numerious times over, and being able to try to funtion in a normal life's circumstances... they call it your GAF, global ability to function, sometimes the rating doesn't fit the bill either due to you not telling them the full extent of your "extentions, intentions"

...you have issues, no doubt, and you seem to offset some of them with humor, your sharp, and observent...

...put your priorities in a direction that will benefit you in other ways besides financial gain, it's not about the money, you'll find that "if, and when" you ever get a settlement, it won't matter as it's only money, you'll still be James, exlrrp...

...It doesn't make anything change, and in some cases, it makes it worse...

..I feel, ( my opionon), that you are "there" ,however, your juggling too many different aspects of PTSD at once, ask yourself what you really want out of this, cranial comfort, or george...

...be well...

[exlrrp]

" I have almost forgot the taste of fears:
The time has been my senses would have cooled
to hear a night shriek: and my fell of hair
would at a dismal treatise rouse and stir
as life were in't: I have supt full with horrors
Direness, familiar to my slaughterous thoughts,
cannot once start me....
Tommorrow and tommorrow and tommorrow,
creeps in this petty pace from day top day,
to the last syllable of recorded time
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, Out, brief candles,
Lifes but a walking shadow, a poor player
that struts and frets his hour on the stage
and then is heard no more. It is a tale
told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing "
(Macbeth)


"Thou liest, abhorred tyrant: with my sword
I'll prove the lie thou speakest"
(James fights with the Birchers)

[exlrrp]

Originally posted by SEATJERKER
......It's not about weather, or not the Va. is going to pay you for your experiences...

...It doesn't make anything change, and in some cases, it makes it worse...

.....be well...

No, its about the money. at least for me. This is the reason I'm putting myself through his whole process, if I didn't want the money, I could just go on getting counseling for it without getting paid, as I have the last 10 years, and save myself a LOT of hassle. Does it make the case any less good because I want the money? Does it make me less deserving? oh, well. I just want to be really honest about my motives. I think I deserve this and I want the money and all Ive done so far is go in and tell the truth. Ive struggled with it, but I'm trying to be honest here--the record backs me up.
Its about carrying this for 30 something years. I mean I walked around with this for 30 years without getting paid and then the ol lightbulb went ono over the head: I can get paid for this!! thats bad?
I don't want to cast aspersions on ANYBODY who gets this, you have my complete respect and support. Everybody has their own motives on what they do but its important to me to be clear on mine
I only mean this from the heart, whats left of it.

James

[1CAVCCO15MED]

The money is a mixed blessing. When I first got it my first thought was "Ha ha, I fooled them!" My second thought was "Ohmygod, no I didn't!"

[exlrrp]

Originally posted by 1CAVCCO15MED
The money is a mixed blessing. When I first got it my first thought was "Ha ha, I fooled them!" My second thought was "Ohmygod, no I didn't!"

Fred: Got it, 100%!! the big change in my thinking came when I realised all I had to do was go in and tell the truth. I couldn't havce done it any other way, I'm a lousy liar, I always get caught.
TTHanks for your help, Bud , your friendship means a lot.

James

[SEATJERKER]

...for me was/is the hard part, not wanting anything, but a clear name after all the years...
...go, and take the money, i don't begrudge you that, but if, and when it comes, will it be enough, yes/no, because it can't be measured against the issues...
...mine amounted to about 2800.00 for a 10 percent rating, I'm only 10% crazy, fine, YEEEEE HAAAA,...

...I know I'm worse then that, but who am I to say,...

... but they screwed me for almost 9 years on my arm after 2 times under the knife, upped my arm from 10 to 20 retro, got 11,900.00, and spent some on me, let momma spend a lot on the house for new windows, and such to try to finish the "living room", I highlight living room in my case cause it's large, and allows me to be in a space that isn't so confined without being outside in harms way, mine or theirs if you follow...

...so wherever they rate you at, come to terms with it long before you get it...

...and be well...

[Andy]

Take the money, after all you were there on St. Chrispens Day. The bastards owe you.
There is book titled "On Killing", very interesting. It indicates that the more serious the PTSD often is determined by how close you were when you took someone out. Knife range would be a little more intense that Arty range.
Don't get bummed out if your offered 30%. Being employed and still being close to family members seems to subtract from the percent your given - regardless of what you've earned.
You like Victorian homes? You'd love my area of the country, they're everywhere. Course, in some neighborhoods a home built in the 1890s is considered new construction.

Stay healthy, get well,
Andy

[ArtySgt]

All thow you have changed your story some what about the stabbing incident, IMHO i still think you are bragging so f.ck you to.

[ArtySgt]

Some times Arty Range got to be less then rifle range, just thought I'd pass it on. Been there. LOL