My Birth and My Death

[Rocky]

Today marks the day I died and the day I was born. . . today marks the beginning of a life's journey that is still moving forward, although, there are those repeated steps back in time that make like today different than I ever expected life to be. On this day, in 1967, I along with the men in my unit, Bravo Company, 4th BN, 173rd Airborne Brigade (Sep) stood at the base of Hill 875, Dak To, Vietnam and, unknowingly, started our future in the face. We did not know, then, that we were facing an enemy more than 4 times our size that was dug in and well armed; we didn't know then that most of the guys we were with that day would soon be dead or so badly wounded that we would never see them again once they left the battle field; we didn't know, then ,that some of us would die that day but remain among the living in the body of a man; we didn't know, then, that some of us, some 42 years later, would be sitting at a computer writing about this day, this week, and having it consume our every thought; we didn't know, then,. . . .

No, we didn't know, then, that in the year of 2009 that we few survivors would look back on this day, this week, in such awe and still wonder how, why, we made it out alive. . . we didn't know, then, that some would come to wish that they had not made it out alive and sit this day an ponder suicide just from the shear pain of the memories. Yet, as I write this, somewhere, in some town or city, somewhere in America today, a survivor from Hill 875 and the Battles of Dak To, or some other equally as horrible a memory, sits and thinks about taking his own life.

Today, as the beginning of the horror of Hill 875 begins in "Anniversary Memory", which seems to be stronger and more alive than everyday day, 365 days as year, memory, I think about all those who survived the Hill and wonder if they too are sitting and thinking about the Hill, the brothers we lost, and life as we know it today. . . yet, I don't wonder for I know they are thinking about it just as am I. I know that they, like I, feel the emptiness, the confusion, the utter loss of self, in a sense, the lack of wholeness and purpose. The reality, in my opinion, is that at this moment, and each person has their own defining moment, I died and was born, simultaneously, as it manifest itself in a burst of gunfire and explosions, a thunderours roar of combat urupting. The person that I was, even though I was not a cherrie by this time having already survived the battles for Hill 830 and 823, was no more and a new person was given life, reality, awareness, the person I am today, who, at times is a total stranger to me. I know I am not alone in this realization, if it is a realization and not just another random thought of my jumbled psyche. Who knows just like who knows where I am going with this, why I am writing it. . . ? Just the ramblings of one lost in bad memories at present and laying it on your becase you may understand. . . .

[DMZ-LT]

Lot of people here do understand Rocky. Having this family here , over the years , has made me realize I am not alone in my feelings about combat , death and " why not me ?" Knowing I am not the lone ranger , that others have the same pain , joy and feelings I have embraced and fought has brought me a peace that could never have come without them. " The bond that links your true family is not one of blood , but of respect and joy in each others life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof." Bach. Peace Brother.

[Rocky]

Very true brother, very true. One of my favorite sayings is "Your closest family is not always of blood ties." I am new to this site but I can imagine that it is much like a site that I do go on daily, U.S. Paratroopers. This is a site of Paratroopers from various wars and one that creates quite a bond between brothers. We have an annual gathering each year down in TN and we have all become quite close even taking into account the differences in our periods of service especially during periods of war.

I, also, run a PTSD chat room for Charlie Rangers and that board has been a great help to many of our brother Rangers. I am on the computer quite a bit either administering or participating in various site, all of them military of course, and I have found the brotherhood on many of these sites is outstanding. Unfortunately, there are some sites which are pretty open and accepting of Posers and those sites I do not go on once I discover this. Most of the sites I am on you have to qualify to get onto so Posers are not really a problem for those sites.

I like going to different sites as I like to communicate with all veterans no matter their branch of service and some of the groups I belong to are exclusive so I go to other sites and meet other vets not just Paratroopers or Rangers.

I am not sure quite how I found this site but I am happy that I did and hope to get involved here as time goes on. Sometimes I am slow to start but once I do get started look out I stated on the Paratrooper site in July and I am already to almost 2,000 post. You have been warned

[03Fox2/1]

Rocky,
As always, your words ring true and carry far beyond we simple mortals. I feel as you do and I know that what each of us endured at our own Dak To is imprinted forever in our soul. Which one of us has not contemplated what you speak of ? There are many ways to die and yet still live. Dying is easy, the difficulty is staying alive. Like you, I feel that a huge part of me has forever been lost and that I belong not in the present, but in the past. The old me disappeared and the new me wonders why I still exist. I don't belong here, yet can't return to what was. Often the guilt from surviving and the need to return to to a time when death and friends became one, is more then I can take. Someone smarter than me once said, to bear the unbearable, we must go on. Only my need to take care of my wife and children and my new grandson keep me more focused on living instead of dying. Again, thank you for your personal sacrifice, both in VietNam and what you do now, taking care of other veterans. Remember my friend, take care of yourself too.
Semper Fi, Scott

[1CAVCCO15MED]

Welcome Skysoldier! You are among friends here. I know what you mean about wondering about how your buddies are doing. About 5 years ago I started looking for them. One of the amazing things is several of us had the same idea at the same time and we did find each other. Several of them had kept in touch with one guy or another so we quickly increased our numbers until now there are about 15 or so in touch. Our battalion had been having reunions for several years and we began going to them and now we are all buddies again. I cannot explain how amazing it was to be together again. We all found out we had all never forgotten each other and were equally worried about what had hapened to each other. There are several ways to get in touch but the best is to join your brigade association. If you haven't I suggest you do that. Since you were such a small unit and a highly motivated special unit it is possible there are several there that know you buddies even if they aren't members. I took the liberty of finding where your next reunion was in case you didn't know. Good luck and welcome home! http://www.floridaskysoldiers.com/2009-Reunion.htm

[SuperScout]

As the phrase goes, ".... been there, done that...." Welcome Home! You have intentionally or otherwise joined our little band of dysfunctional brothers, and will no doubt be introduced to our little bit of sanity-enchancing called Psyco Vet Mountain Motorcycle Club and Dwarf Tossing Association.

Scouts Out!!

PS: you might want to tell us a bit more via your profile.

[MORTARDUDE]

'Welcome Home" and Welcome Aboard !!

May God Bless,

Larry

[phuloi]

Glad you found us, Rocky.
You`re not alone.

[exlrrp]

You and I were members of the same lrrp/ranger company. I was in it when they were lrps.
We're both members of the association now
I have posted on the E Co/C Co website under my real name, perhaps you've seen it there
Anyway, welcome here, I'm sure you'll find people to relate to here.
James Worth

"He not busy being born is busy dying" Dylan

[39mto39g]

Elements of the 4th and A, C, D companies of the 2/503
The 4/503 didn't arrive until Nov 20 and 2/503 had already gone up the hill the day before. Most of 4/503 arrived 11/22 along with 1/12 of the 4th inf. 4/503 did relive 2/503 on that hill but it wasn't 11/18 or 11/19
I was part of the Elements of the 4th that was with the two platoons of A company 2/503 that stayed at the bottom of that hill to set up an LZ.
Now war and time have a way of changing facts in peoples minds so I would say. Rocky, lets hear a few details of that mountain.
No one went up that hill on the 18th of November 1967.
Ron