Morning Humor

[Boats]

Got this from an email this morning. Though Dave would get a kick out of it.

Satan Goes To Church

People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the
church. Everyone started screaming and running
for the front entrance, trampling each other in
a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew
without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't
you know who I am?

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old
man, in an even tone.

Did you know that I could cause you profound
horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was his calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well,
why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
44 years."

[b3196]

LOL!!! Definitely a good one
Bob K

[SuperScout]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty
breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[DMZ-LT]

Guy goes in a junk store , in San Diego , and sees a statue of a bronze rat. he has to have it. How much he asks , $12 for the statue , $100 for the story the owner says. Keep your story he says handing over the $12. Soon as he leaves the store rats start coming out and following him , Soon a million rats are running after him and he runs to the ocean and throws the statue as far as he can and all the rats run into the ocean and drown. Back at the store he appears and the owner says I bet you want to hear the story now. Hell no he says I want to see if you have a (incert your own group or individual ) bronze Democrate !

[b3196]

Lady runs into the veternian with a sick dog. Vet says there nothing he can do and he should be put to sleep. The lady begs the vet to try anything. The vet says he has one thing he can try so he goes in the back room and come out with a mangy cat in a cage. He places the cage next to the dog, opens and out jumps the cat. The cat starts sniffing all around the dog then he looks at the vet and shakes his head negatively. The vet looks at the lady and says there's nothing else I can do. The lady asks how much is it going to cost to have him put to sleep Of which the vet replies $630.00. The lady want to know why its so expensive.
The vet states that its $30.00 for the injection and $600.00 for the...
.
.
.
.
.
cat scan
Bob K

[Boats]

Geex

Bob I liked that one - a Cat Scan

Thanks

[SuperScout]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheila O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that but you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[Jerry D]

LOL those were some funny ones

[darrels joy]

WHY!?



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?



Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?



Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?



Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?



Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?



Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?



Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?



If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?



Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?



Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?



Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?



Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?



Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?



How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?



In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?



How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?



And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!



And my FAVORITE......



The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

[SuperScout]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words, "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, " Man, that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," Now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If raising children were going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher. And since it's in English, thank a Soldier."