Humor

[JB Bouscher]

I thought all you Marines out there would enjoy this.


Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them
to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was
restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.,
but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to
mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave
but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you
can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their
food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no
wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are
long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell
him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at
home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The
country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He
nags some.

The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride
around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as
big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you,
like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all
comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get
to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though,
they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at
home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan
from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm
only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Jolene

[HARDCORE]

JB

Sounds like something Alvin York's sister might have wrote!!

But at least in the military, you don't catch many of those sheep-borne social diseases.

VERITAS

[SuperScout]

It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember", said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah" He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me", cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for the construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft. Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," the Lord said sadly, "The government already has."
AMEN

[Keith_Hixson]

A friend of my was a convention. During the time between meetings he went to men's room. Nature was calling and he went into a stall and sat down. Shortly there after a gentleman came in and sat down in the stall next to him. Suddenly, a voice came from the other stall ...... "How are you?" My friend said he is a private pooper but felt he should reply since the guy was trying to be friendly he replied . .. . "Fine how are you?" Then voice said . . . "There are some things speakers have said that I really relate with." Thinking this to be a question he expounded on the various issues at the conference. Finally the voice said, "How about dinner tonight and then we go back to the room and have some intimate fun." Now my friend just knew this guy was trying to pick him up and he replied ..... "I don't think so my wife and I have dinner plans already." Then the voice spoke in somewhat of an angry tone. "Honey I'm going to have to hang up for now there's some idiot in the next stall answering all my questions."

The cell phone age does have its complications.

Keith

[Gunner Carvo]

That happens a lot in E'burg, huh, Keith?

[SuperScout]

Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking
havoc throughout the national system. Beware of...

1. THE ALGORE Virus....(Causes your computer to just keep
counting and counting)

2. THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with
NO memory)

3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive
out of an old floppy)

4. THE LEWINSKY Virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your
computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

5. THE RONALD REAGAN Virus....(Saves your data, but forgets
where it is stored)

6. THE MIKE TYSON Virus....(Quits after two bytes)

7. THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus....(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks
to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus...(Deletes all old files)

9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus...(Disks can no longer be inserted)

10. THE PROZAC Virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your
Processor doesn't care)

11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus...(Only attacks minor files)

12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus...(Terminates some files,
leaves, but will be back)

- And my personal favorite...

13. THE LORENA BOBBITT Virus...(Reformats your hard drive into
a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)