#771
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#772
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Did you hear the one about the old Marine veteran who asked the
Commandant to return him to active duty and send him to Iraq? Of course the Commandant refused, and told the old Marine he had served his time in combat and should relax and enjoy his golden years. The 'ole Gunny wasn't at all pleased, so he wrote the Secretary of the Navy with the same request. Back came the reply for him to enjoy his golden years, because Iraq was a young Marine's war and there was no place for him. That really ticked him off, so he wrote his congressman a long, heart-wrenching letter explaining in great detail just why he felt he should be returned to active duty. Back came the reply almost word for word, the same as the SecNav response....... The 'ole Gunny was livid. He went down to the beach in Norfolk, VA and bought a rowboat, and vowing to get to Iraq one way or the other, he set out rowing his boat and singing the Marine Hymn...." From the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli " ........... and off he rowed for Iraq. Saint Peter had been watching this grizzled 'ole Gunny all the while, and was at first amused by it all but had grown increasingly concerned as the Gunny displayed his commitment to his objective. Saint Peter finally turned to God for advice on how to deal with this Gung Ho Gunny. After hearing the saga unfold, God advised Saint Peter to be merciful and take the Gunny's brain, since that was the center of thought, and he would simply abandon the idea about getting to Iraq. Now, having taken God's advice and removing the Gunny's brain, St. Peter observed little if any change in the Gunny's behavior. He continued to row his boat and sing at the top of his voice: "From the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli , we will "....... A little frustrated at the lack of results of his efforts, St. Peter turned again to his God and asked, "Now what?" God said, "Well OK, take his heart, because not even a Marine can function without a heart. So, that should end it." But when St. Peter had completed his task, and removed the Gunny's heart, he was again amazed that little if any change could be observed in the Gunny's behavior as he continued to row his boat and sing: "From the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, we will fight our country's battles...." at-the-top-of-his-voice. Once again, St. Peter asked God for assistance with this unusual situation for which there seemed to be no solution. This time God responded by suggesting that St. Peter should remove the Marine's testicles, since it's a well known fact that Marines can't function without their testicles. Otherwise, what would be the reason for Marines having the worldwide reputation of having the balls to do the impossible? Convinced this was the answer, St. Peter went to work and removed the 'ole Gunny's balls. Again, St. Peter observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle singing: "Off we go into the wild blue yonder...."
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#773
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Subject: Security
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS." I feel safer already.
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#774
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Dear abby
Dear Abby,
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#775
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5
FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen. NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to. NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time! NUMBER 2.Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close? Number 1 And MY all time Favorite:best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) '...in Jesus' name, Amen
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#776
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Cowboy and the widow
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job..one was gay the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it,and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy. She figured it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the,the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day,the ranchers widow said to the hired hand... "You have done a really good good job and the ranch looks great.You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand redily agreed and went to town one Saturday night. One o'clock came however and he didn't return... Two o'clock...and no hired hand Finally....he returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room he found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine. Waiting for him... She quietly called him over to her... "Unbutton my blouse and take it off"...she said.. Trembling,he did as she directed... "Now...take off my boots"..he did as she asked everso slowly "Now...take off my socks"..he removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots "Now..take off my skirt"..he slowly unbuttoned it.. constantly watching her eyes in the firelight... "Now..take off my bra"..again with trembling hands he did as he was told...and dropped it to the floor... Then she looked at him and said........ "IF YOU EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES INTO TOWN AGAIN....YOU'RE FIRED"
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#777
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For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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#778
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Aarp memo
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#779
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2 marines.....
Two US MARINES were listening to the radio in IRAQ...
"American soldiers",coos a soft female voice,"Your so-called national leaders have lied to you.You are risking your lives to wage a usless,unjust,illegal,and unwinnable war.Now is the time to return home to your loved ones,while you are still alive.If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted,the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long,ever increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so called president who has repeatedly lied and decieved you at every opportunity. Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fat profits. The only wise thing to do is return home now,while your still drawing breath, before you return zippered in a body bag." "What the hell is that" snerred one MARINE.."an Islamo-terrorist version of TOKYO ROSE?" "No"..answers the other...."It's just CNN"
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#780
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The densest element known
Pelosium: A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol of Pelosium is PU. Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.
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