heh heh heh

[thedrifter]

Train Seats



An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out of the window."

[thedrifter]

Pickle Slicer



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.

"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.

"Yes, I did," he told her.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.

"Oh... she got fired too."

[thedrifter]

Fallen



There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

[thedrifter]

Playing In the Closet



Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.

Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

[thedrifter]

Texas



A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.

"Don't stop," said the Texan.

[thedrifter]

The Mailman's Last Day



It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, '**** him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

[thedrifter]

Fifteen ways to avoid a good southern ass whuppin.

------------------------------------

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and
Northeastern Urbanites:


1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House.
It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day.
Let them cook something they know.
If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.


2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn,
Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.


3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here.
Down here it's called Coke.
Nobody gives a shit whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke.
Accept it.
Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.


4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner).
We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.


5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton).
We don't care if you think we are dumb.
We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate.
If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.


6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments.
If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.
If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.


7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.


8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel.
Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee.
Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy.
And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.


9) Don't fake a Southern accent.
This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.


10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better.
Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we
have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are.
Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.


11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English.
We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you.
We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.
All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters.
Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.


12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.
None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.


13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am.
We hold doors open for others.
We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people.
Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll
kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.


14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside?
That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools
like New York or Baltimore.
Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.


15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to barbecue.
This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all.
Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your ass

[thedrifter]

Theory On Hell



The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

[thedrifter]

Name It



The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking about how one refers to the penis in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says that in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says that in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Then the wife of Clinton says that in the U. S. you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

[thedrifter]

The Skiing Trip



Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"