Afternoon Humor

[goodnessgracie]

Just a handful of funnies for y'all. Hope y'all enjoy!




A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning
into the
lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to
pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming
parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the
nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion
jumps back
letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified
parents, who
thank him endlessly.

A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker,
says, "
Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in
my whole
life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw
this
little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist
from the New
York Times , you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the
first
page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation
do you have?"

"A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. "

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if
it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

[goodnessgracie]

Eulogy


Matilda married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again
and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this
time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The
Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means
her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means
her legs."

[goodnessgracie]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now
need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and
will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would
try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So,
when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P. ..

E...

N...

I...

S...




His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:




PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH ...

[goodnessgracie]

THE CORK!

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room
taking a shower after their bomb making class, when
one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his
butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second,
"that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not
take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is
permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the
beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a
puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an
American flag attire with a white beard and top hat
came boiling out He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the
Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said , "No $h*t?"

[goodnessgracie]

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a
little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[DeadlyDaring]

The class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me.

I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit'

[DeadlyDaring]

Jack was about to marry Jill when his Father took him to one side.' When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said.
'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I told her; of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Jack took his Father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will.'

[DeadlyDaring]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call centre in Pakistan...

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited...

...and asked if I could drive a truck.

[DeadlyDaring]

This will give the Girls something to moan about!!

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE !!!!

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

[DeadlyDaring]

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about.
Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season.
When Indian men see cave, they holler,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening.
If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate." Just then they saw another cave.
The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
"Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read,
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

TYPICAL REDNECK