Afternoon Humor

[revwardoc]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[DeadlyDaring]

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

[revwardoc]

Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

[reeb]

A long time ago my bro sent this into Playboy and they used it.

What is the difference between a new whore and a old whore?

The new one uses vasoline and the old one uses PLOLYGRIP..

enough.......

reeb..........

[revwardoc]

A Polish guy moves to the USA and marrys an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and a half a nice little home."

"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete."

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a grudge?"
"No, we have a carport, and not need one."

"I mean, what are your relations like?"
"All my relations still in Poland."

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."

"Is your wife a nagger?"
"No, she white."

"Why do you want this divorce? "
"She is going to kill me."

"What makes you think that?"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"

"She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says 'Polish Remover'!

[DeadlyDaring]

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes....?"

THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN.

[SuperScout]

'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'

[DeadlyDaring]

A Somali arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Aussie for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, free money, free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!" The person says "I no Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an Australian?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...... "Probably at work!"

[revwardoc]

..

[DeadlyDaring]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Kmart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The K mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart ... Nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins?....... Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!!