I like Christmas, but...

[GoldenDragon]

It's not an easy time of year.

For those suffering with PTSD, the people, crowds, noise and the necessary invasion of "our" space can be hell.

Every year does seem to get easier, but not without constant work and progress. With two small kids, I need to be at my best.

I have a real problem with Christmas carols. For years I didn't realize why until I had been in treatment. I like Christmas music, I think it is some of the most beautiful music made. At times it doesn't bother me at all. Then there are "those" times.

The human brain is a wonderful and complex organ. It stores things in deep, inaccessible recesses it creates.

Christmas of 1966. Col. Chavis issued orders to move as many men as possible back to base camp. I was one of the lucky ones for a change. I had been in the bush this time for just over 3 months.

We arrived back at Pleiku and started kicking back and drinking. Durrett had the Supremes cranked up on a 78 his mother had sent him.

We hadn't been there an hour when Sgt. Harris came in and said "Everybody to the heli-pad, Charlie company just got hit hard. They need back-up.

Right back to where we just came from. We grabbed our un-packed stuff and jogged to the heli-pad. The choppers were warmed and waiting.
As soon as we lifted off the pilot started playing Christmas carols at top volume over the inside and outside speakers. You could hear them above the noise a Huey without doors always makes.
The two pilots were carrying on back and forth and constantly joking with each other. I finally realized they were both drunk as hoot owls or high as hell.
No big thing. Not the first time........... F... Christmas.

"Jingle bells, mortar shells

VC in the grass, take your Merry Christmas

and shove it up your a.....

To this day 36 years later, at times when I hear Christmas carols, I find myself back in that damned chopper.

Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to stop them, tears slide down my cheeks. Like right now. I can hardly see the keyboard.

But, the best thing. I have finally learned it will pass. It's not even painful. I just get so empty feeling and an almost overwhelming sense of sadness. As soon as I allow the ghostly faces to drift into my consciousness and address each old friend individually and personally, it will begin to ease. It always does.

I think it's just a deep, created recess of my brain saying "Merry Christmas, I'll never forget you guys."

Now I can tell the living Merry Christmas. First things first.