Afternoon Humor

[goodnessgracie]

When Harry found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly

father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most

beautiful woman he had ever seen.



Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man,"

he said as he walked up to her

"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit

20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and,



three days
Later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

[goodnessgracie]

Keith, this one's for you:


After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and
alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the
puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad,
grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.


As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother
runs to the yard in a panic.


"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as
she shook the older boy in anger.


"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said "And I was just
baptizing him..... in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the
hole-he-goes."

[goodnessgracie]

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and
yelled. "Stop! Acts 2:38!"

"Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins
may be forgiven."

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he was curious and asked
the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a
scripture to you."

"Scripture?!" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!"

[goodnessgracie]

A round of golf with the wife:

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50.00. Go and buy yourself some underwear."



Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"



Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jasus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[DeadlyDaring]

Just thought that Psycho Mtn could relate to this after re-reading some of the comments
.....................

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely KIWI Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep..

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the KIWI started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[DeadlyDaring]

This is an old one but a good one at that

Students were assigned to read 2 books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton and turn in book reports on each of them. One sharp witted studentturned in the following book Report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories and hence only one book report was required.

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

TITANIC: $29.99
CLINTON: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let’s not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton: Monica’s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn’t remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica…ooh, let’s not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary… basically, the same thing.

[revwardoc]

..

[reeb]

One day Tiger Woods got together with Lee Triveno and played a round of golf.
They both were doing real good until the 5th hole where stood a 30 ft tree that blocked the way from the tee to the green.

Lee walked up to Tiger and said, I have played this course plenty of times when I was a kid. All you have to do is tee the ball and hit it right over the tree and it will land right on the green. Works every time.

So Tiger tees the ball and with the driver, hits it real hard. BAM, right into the tree.

Lee tells him, try it again, so Tiger does it, and BAM right into the tree.

By now Tiger is getting uptight and tries it again, and yep, right into the tree again.

Now Lee walks over to Tiger and says, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT WHEN I WAS A KID PLAYING THIS COURSE, THAT TREE WAS ONLY 3 ft TALL..

enough.............

[Keith_Hixson]

Originally Posted by DeadlyDaring

Just thought that Psycho Mtn could relate to this after re-reading some of the comments
.....................

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

That wasn't a KIWI, that was BobK.

Keith

[revwardoc]

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of the barn, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, please cancel my husband's life insurance."