Morning Humor!

[SuperScout]

No problema!

Here's a bit more history of our Little Johnnie:
============================================
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
*
*
*
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and have sex, you won't have worms."

[SuperScout]

Inner Strength:

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.

[SuperScout]

Here's another one, but please don't take a sip of orange juice first:

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

[SuperScout]

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

[Jimmyjet]

Army Humor
51years ago Herman Jones, a West Virginia mountain man, was drafted into the United States Army. On the first day of boot camp the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon an Army barber cut off all his hair. On the second day of boot camp the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon an Army
dentist pulled out 7 of his teeth. On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.

[frisco-kid]

1. You can buy a silencer for a hand gun.
2. You can trade a .44 for two .22s.
3. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
4. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
5. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
7. A handgun doesn't take up alot of closet space.
8. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
9. A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"
10. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
11. You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
12. A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.
13. A handgun won't tell all of it's friends if you are "a little fast on the trigger."

[revwardoc]

Q: Why are blondes only allowed a half hour for lunch?

A: Because if you let them go for a hour, when they come back, they have to be retrained!

[SparrowHawk62]

Being a Lawyer

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why, yes I am!"

So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"