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#1
09-15-2005, 05:27 AM
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Morning Humor!
The minister began to pray with a rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Dear Lord, without you we are but dust." He would have continued, but at that very moment, a little girl leaned over to her mother, and her audible shrill little girl voice asked, "Mommy, what is butt dust?" Church was pretty much over at that point.
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One Big Ass Mistake, America "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." 
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#3
09-15-2005, 06:11 PM
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Try this one
There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me . SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
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One Big Ass Mistake, America "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
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#4
09-16-2005, 02:57 AM
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A guy was in the line at the supermarket, when he noticed a beautiful blond woman smiling and waving at him.
So he says, "Do I know you?" She replies. "I may be mistaken, but I think you may be the father of one of my children." Instantly his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on Joe's pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend spanked me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber in my butt?" "No" she replies. "I'm your daughter's second grade teacher."
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I'd rather be historically accurate than politically correct.
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#6
09-16-2005, 07:11 PM
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The Funeral Service
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave side service for a derelict man who had died while traveling through the area with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country. This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this cemetery. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. But I finally arrived an hour late, I saw the crew and backhoe, but the hearse was no where in sight. The workmen were eating lunch I apologized to the workers for my tardiness,and stepped to the side of the open grave, only to find the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do. As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", and "Glory". I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before. I began from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I preached for almost an hour. It was a long and lengthy service. I closed in prayer and it was finished. As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat. I overheard one of the workers shaking his head and saying to another, " I ain't NEVER seen anything like this, in all my 23 years of putting in septic tanks."
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#7
09-17-2005, 12:00 PM
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I am sending this only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it.
1974: Long hair 2004: Longing for hair ---------------------------- 1974: KEG 2004: EKG -------------------------------- 1974: Acid rock 2004: Acid reflux --------------------------------- 1974: Moving to California because it's cool 2004: Moving to California because it's warm -------------------------------- 1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor -------------------------------- 1974: Seeds and stems 2004: Roughage --------------------------------- 1974: Hoping for a BMW 2004: Hoping for a BM -------------------------------- 1974: The Grateful Dead 2004: Dr. Kevorkian --------------------------------- 1974: Going to a new, hip joint 2004: Receiving a new hip joint ------------------------------- 1974: Rolling Stones 2004: Kidney Stones --------------------------------- 1974: Being called into the principal's office 2004: Calling the principal's office --------------------------------- 1974: Screw the system 2004: Upgrade the system --------------------------------- 1974: Disco 2004: Costco --------------------------------- 1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved --------------------------------- 1974: Passing the drivers' test 2004: Passing the vision test --------------------------------- 1974: Whatever 2004: Depends --------------------------------- Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading
__________________
I'd rather be historically accurate than politically correct.
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#9
09-18-2005, 02:57 AM
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Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question?" "I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
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With LIBERTY and JUSTICE for all
thanks to the brave who serve their Country
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good one
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