Afternoon Humor

[revwardoc]

Top Ten Messages Left on Alex Rodriguez's Answering Machine


10 "Hey, it's Mark McGwire, want to get together this weekend and not talk about the past?"

9 "Joe Torre here, thanks for helping book sales."

8 "Could you find a steroid that keeps you from choking in the playoffs?"

7 "Are you worried this will taint all the championships you didn't win?"

6 "Hi, it's Bernie Madoff. Nice try, but I'm still the most hated man in NYC."

5 "Michael Phelps here, got any snacks?"

4 "Hi, this is Sammy Sosa, just pretend you don't speak English."

3 "Michael Phelps again, did I call you or did you call me?"

2 "Hi this is Rod Blagojevich, I'll say you're innocent if you say I am."

And the Number One Message Left on Alex Rodriguez's Answering Machine:

1 "It's Madonna. You got a phone number for Jeter?"

[revwardoc]

The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.


2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.


3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


9 . If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.


10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .


11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.


12 . If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


19 . Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .


20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


21 . Never miss a good chance to shut up.


AND



22 . Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[SuperScout]

In honor of the mother of the octuplets,


Denny's is offering a new breakfast special...

You get fourteen eggs, no sausage and...





the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

[SuperScout]

Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit asynagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi andsays, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now andthen, they send us a free box of candles.""Oh," replied the auditor some what disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try anotherquestion, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do withthe crumbs from the matzo? "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now andthen, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough weactually send them to the I.R.S." "To I.R.S.?" questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi,"directly to the Internal Revenue Service ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick likeyou."

[SuperScout]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.'
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly
displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I
wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the
DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's
prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get
"horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old
rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge...Show him your badge!'

[Keith_Hixson]

YouTube - Negotiating Dental Costs

YouTube - "If My Nose Was Running Money" By Aaron...

Keith

[Boats]

Wow - that's not what I expected - but I've always been a tad behind the sharp witted.
Thanks for the chuckle - I needed that today. Have a good weekend.

[82Rigger]

LOL!

I wasn't expecting that either!

[revwardoc]

One day, a long, long, time ago, there was a woman who didn't bitch, or whine, or nag her husband.

But that was a long, long time ago and it was only for that one day.

[SuperScout]

An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking female clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they give to all released prisoners.

Since the inmate had not had female attention for a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would have sex with him.

He was immediately rearrested and thrown back into jail.

Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a proposition.