Afternoon Humor

[SuperScout]

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

[revwardoc]

There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "Mother of Six."

His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "Mother of Six, are you ready to go?"

Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of Four."

[revwardoc]

A Cowboys fan, a Giants fan, a Philadelphia fan, and a Redskins fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "Its my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Philadelphia fan was first and said, "Please let me wear my Eagles sweatshirt while I'm being whipped." The Sheik agreed but the whip quickly cut through the fan's sweatshirt and he was left a quivering, bleeding mass.

The Redskins fan was next, so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Redskins fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Giants fan was next up, and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Giants fan out crying like a little girl.

The Cowboys fan was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Cowboys fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

The Cowboys fan replied, "Tie the Giants fan to my back."

[revwardoc]

An old man went to a wizard and asked if he could remove a curse the man had been living with for the past 40 years.

"Maybe", the wizard said, "but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man said without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[revwardoc]

An old man shuffled carefully into an ice cream parlor. He pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. As the waitress fixed the order she asked, "Crushed nuts?"

"No", he replied, "hemmoroids."

[82Rigger]

Morning Briefing

The commanding officer of an Army regiment was about to start
the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While
waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to
pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night
before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
"pleasure".

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in
favor of work.

A captain said it was 50-50%.

The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of
pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private
who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has
to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.


"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers
would have me doing it for them."

[revwardoc]

..

[revwardoc]

..

[revwardoc]

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What in the world is taking so long?"

"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Sam explained.
"I want to make a perfect shot."

His companion exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here."

[Keith_Hixson]

The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy

1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement 'sun break' and know what it means. If you live on the West side.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5 You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the 'WALK' signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow, or over 5,000 elevation or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto 's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, Chum and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by 'Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,' and 'Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers.' West Side residents.
17 You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind, and it's sister city is Boredman, Oregon.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
20. You notice, 'The mountain is out' when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time. (West siders.)
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from 'heat' to 'a/c' in the same day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).
30. You actually understood these jokes.